Monday, December 24, 2007
Saturday, December 1, 2007
death - oh what a pain
I went to my first funeral the other day – well at least part of one – Funerals here are as multilayered as weddings are – Me and Famila were joking that the two hardest things to do in Azerbaian are get married and Die. When someone dies there are 7 initial days of morning the 7th being the biggest, followed by every Thursday for four Thursdays then the 40th day after is import ad they are technically in morning with no TV, music, etc for the 40 days then on the year anniversary there are celebrations. The brother of my moms sister in law, who loves bbeside us, died. It was due to blood sugar, not surprising and I here common here. My mom invited me to go on the 7th day. She said she wanted me to see what Azeri funerals were like and it made the deceased happy to see a lot of people come to morn. Funerals are segregated here. The initial burial, is by the men. They carry the body to the cemetery and bury it and the women are not allowed. A big tent is set up out side the house, the men gather her, the women in the house. The hire a agucu for the women – someone who can sing and sings sad sonds, know a little religion so she can talk about it and then just talk about the persons and their life. For the men’s tent a Molla, or one of the "holy men" from the mosque (mascid) is hired. Each day they feed all they people who come and then people donate money to help cover the cost of feeding everyone and the funeral, etc. A list of people and how much they gave is kept and then given to the nearest relative or who ever at the end. I cant tell you what the men do – though I would imaging it involves drinking cay and vodka, and I am told not crying because it is considered unmanly. But the women’s side is intense to say the least. When I went it was a small apartment, a foyer, kitchen, and then two other rooms, both rectangular but one longer than the other. I cant be sure of what the two rooms were initial because they had been cleared of all there stuff and for good reason. All of the rooms formed a sort of circle, where you could walk from the foyer, to kitchen to smaller room to larger and then back into foyer without ever backtracking. And this is what people did of sorts. They would all pile in in groups through the kitchen and into the smaller room. There the group would pack 30 to 40 women all sitting on the floor literally on top of each other. Here the would sit through around or chanting, singing, prayers and crying. At the end of one round everyone would stand up and in true Azeri fashion bum rush the door to the slightly larger room. In this room the wife, immediate family and agucu were sitting. They al sat on the floor with blankets covering their laps. The goal was to pass through and pay their respects. Some then would come back to the room and start over and some new women would come in. It was a none stop cycle from early morning till about 5 in the evening. There were probably over 100 women packed into this small are at all times. All looking morning, some outright sobbing, some beating their chests. The neighbors apartment had been cleared out and table brought in to feed people in shifts. Unfortunately I was unaware of what was going on. After the other apartment I was looking forward to sitting down and eating peacefully for a few moments. They herded me in rushed food out and then before I knew it were shuffling me back out. There were so many people everyone had to speed eat.
It was intense enough to make me cry and I have no idea who the man was or what he was like. All of this made me think about it. Was it healthy, is it better to morn openly with a group and let it out than to horde it like our society seems too. It would seem yea, logically I think it is better to morn openly, to let it out and let everyone see, to have such a strong support network. However, the fact that it even made me cry mad me wonder how many of the people were crying because they actually felt something or was it just reactionary. Toward the end I was crying because I was watching my aunt and then started thinking about how I would loose it if I lost my brother. But then I guess even that is fine, tears are tears and they are good. The problem to me is this. Afterward I went to Famila and she was explaining what I did not understand while I was there. She said that it has in large become a facade. If you do not cry enough, throw a big enough shindig, serve good enough food, it will be said you sis not care for the person who has died, making it impossible to tell what is true emotion and what is an act in order to save face. It is just a shame to me that in societies all around the world people are not just allowed to feel the emotions they feel, always having to pin them in or force them out, always having to put on shows and fronts, that even in the face of death we cant learn to just live and let live.
It was intense enough to make me cry and I have no idea who the man was or what he was like. All of this made me think about it. Was it healthy, is it better to morn openly with a group and let it out than to horde it like our society seems too. It would seem yea, logically I think it is better to morn openly, to let it out and let everyone see, to have such a strong support network. However, the fact that it even made me cry mad me wonder how many of the people were crying because they actually felt something or was it just reactionary. Toward the end I was crying because I was watching my aunt and then started thinking about how I would loose it if I lost my brother. But then I guess even that is fine, tears are tears and they are good. The problem to me is this. Afterward I went to Famila and she was explaining what I did not understand while I was there. She said that it has in large become a facade. If you do not cry enough, throw a big enough shindig, serve good enough food, it will be said you sis not care for the person who has died, making it impossible to tell what is true emotion and what is an act in order to save face. It is just a shame to me that in societies all around the world people are not just allowed to feel the emotions they feel, always having to pin them in or force them out, always having to put on shows and fronts, that even in the face of death we cant learn to just live and let live.
one more shot
11-23-07/11-24-07 Im sitting in my room retyping something that I have already typed. I hate doing that. The rats are hard at work above my head. Technically I am retyping it because the file was ruined. This is because my computer is very old and I have not been the easiest on it. So it has become a little temperamental. It occasionally turns itself off flashing a rainbow of colors and screaming at the top of its lungs until I take its battery out all together. It particularly dislikes the power to go out, which ultimate leads to it dying before I can turn it off because the battery is shot. Unfortunately for me the power truly enjoys turning off. As a matter of fact we have been playing the peekaboo came for the last couple of hours. It will turn off, wait a while, flash on an off occasionally, every once in a while turning on just long enough to make you think it is for real then go off again. I am praying it is for real this time. Literally I am going to type it aging because I think it is an important point. Here goes….Oh shit, we have started the flashouts again, and the bulbs keep pulsating. Just as I really got comfortable. I can just imagine the men in the room with the switches. What a sense of humor they must have. off – on – off – on – off - ooooooooooooon, no just kidding off alright on/off, gotcha good that time. Oh what jokesters. Maybe this would be better attempted another time but then it being winter there might not be a different time, but I have a feeling their sense of humor will not wane anytime soon.
The subject that I feel is important enough for me to groundhog day it through is that of the Azeris family, My family any family. They amaze me. No nothing bad. I am continuously amazed by their - ok I give up – bye 11-25-07 – al right as I was saying, I am constantly amazed by their closeness, physically and mentally. I am awed and inspired anew every night. My family spend all day every day in CLOSE proximity with each other. The eat, study, socialize, attend school, sleep, and ply with each other. The only thing they don’t do out right together is take showers and go to the bathroom, thank god. A member of the family is new without at least one other member. My four sisters all sleep in one room, beds pushed together so there is enough room. My little brother, 8 , sleep in the room with my parents. Only I have a room to myself which I am sure someone gave up for me to be here. Every night they gather in the living room. All of them, spending time, studying, laughing, joking, always joking, occasionally watching television, singing, and chatting. What is amazing is how happy they ALL are about is. Even more startling, if the TV is on they don’t fight over channels, and they are even willing to ignore and talk over the TV, risking missing something in that made up world for interacting with each other. – Not commonly seen in the US - None of them act as if they want to be somewhere else, no one is upset of mad, unless my brother happens to throw a fit. However that seems to be how all young boys are here. I sat and listened to them last night, even as the power turned off and on every 5 min, laughing, singing and just enjoying each other. Not bitching and bickering. I can just imagine an average American family in the same situation. Its as follows:
Unhappy to start with (no TV, game boy, friends or electricity) but make a half hearted attempt to interact, and by interact I mean entertain themselves at someone else’s expense > Soon become board and irritated > begin to bicker > Pretend Parental figure (PPF)says stop fighting > they are ignored > bickering continues and turns into fighting > PPF yells shut up > they are heeded for about two seconds before it continues and evolved in all out fighting > PPF snaps, shrieking and bellowing, which is useless by this point > The fight turns into and all inclusive brawl, complete with glass smashing, hair pulling, eye gouging, hatchet throwing, and god forbid 56 inch plasma screen TV smashing, which is when you know it is all over > Needless to say no one made it out, that is with the exception of Frances the goldfish, but he is so traumatized he has goon mute > Oh what a loss, another good goldfish lost.
Why is this? Maybe it is totally cultural, maybe there are just not enough TV channels to fight over in AZ and too many in America, maybe they still actually need each other, maybe… maybe they are not so overpowered, bombarded and distracted by so many gadgets and flashing screens that they still remember they are not the only people in the room, in the world. I have this belief that we have given up our sense of connection, to other people, species, and the environment at a whole, for what is deemed "advancement." Is it. Sure, we have more gadgets, more people have a lots of money, even more people are living in abject poverty. Sure we have amazing technology, making is possible for people to be just plain stupid. Sure more people are living to unimaginable ages, often in close to vegetable states. Sure people who would have died naturally are living, helping to contribute to our overpopulation and the destruction of the rest of the world and its creatures. Are we better off. I am reading a book called ironically enough "Monkey Dancing" It talks a lot about the environments and animals that are being destroyed and going extinct all over the world. Many of which are in lesser developed countries, don’t worry we have already turned much of our land into barren city wastelands. And we are all helping with theirs. The people who seem the least responsible are often the people who at actually doing the damage. They are often the Abject poor, living under the corrupt poor, who have NO alternative to survive. I wish I could say the exact same was true for AZ but it is not. They are living under rich, cruel, corrupt people, but their main problem now seems to be a lack of self determined motivation, brainwashing. When I think about it all I fill overwhelmingly despondent and driven all at the same time. I just wonder what the worlds will come too. I see what it is moving toward. I just hope we came all open our eyes wide enough to see beyond our own noses..
The subject that I feel is important enough for me to groundhog day it through is that of the Azeris family, My family any family. They amaze me. No nothing bad. I am continuously amazed by their - ok I give up – bye 11-25-07 – al right as I was saying, I am constantly amazed by their closeness, physically and mentally. I am awed and inspired anew every night. My family spend all day every day in CLOSE proximity with each other. The eat, study, socialize, attend school, sleep, and ply with each other. The only thing they don’t do out right together is take showers and go to the bathroom, thank god. A member of the family is new without at least one other member. My four sisters all sleep in one room, beds pushed together so there is enough room. My little brother, 8 , sleep in the room with my parents. Only I have a room to myself which I am sure someone gave up for me to be here. Every night they gather in the living room. All of them, spending time, studying, laughing, joking, always joking, occasionally watching television, singing, and chatting. What is amazing is how happy they ALL are about is. Even more startling, if the TV is on they don’t fight over channels, and they are even willing to ignore and talk over the TV, risking missing something in that made up world for interacting with each other. – Not commonly seen in the US - None of them act as if they want to be somewhere else, no one is upset of mad, unless my brother happens to throw a fit. However that seems to be how all young boys are here. I sat and listened to them last night, even as the power turned off and on every 5 min, laughing, singing and just enjoying each other. Not bitching and bickering. I can just imagine an average American family in the same situation. Its as follows:
Unhappy to start with (no TV, game boy, friends or electricity) but make a half hearted attempt to interact, and by interact I mean entertain themselves at someone else’s expense > Soon become board and irritated > begin to bicker > Pretend Parental figure (PPF)says stop fighting > they are ignored > bickering continues and turns into fighting > PPF yells shut up > they are heeded for about two seconds before it continues and evolved in all out fighting > PPF snaps, shrieking and bellowing, which is useless by this point > The fight turns into and all inclusive brawl, complete with glass smashing, hair pulling, eye gouging, hatchet throwing, and god forbid 56 inch plasma screen TV smashing, which is when you know it is all over > Needless to say no one made it out, that is with the exception of Frances the goldfish, but he is so traumatized he has goon mute > Oh what a loss, another good goldfish lost.
Why is this? Maybe it is totally cultural, maybe there are just not enough TV channels to fight over in AZ and too many in America, maybe they still actually need each other, maybe… maybe they are not so overpowered, bombarded and distracted by so many gadgets and flashing screens that they still remember they are not the only people in the room, in the world. I have this belief that we have given up our sense of connection, to other people, species, and the environment at a whole, for what is deemed "advancement." Is it. Sure, we have more gadgets, more people have a lots of money, even more people are living in abject poverty. Sure we have amazing technology, making is possible for people to be just plain stupid. Sure more people are living to unimaginable ages, often in close to vegetable states. Sure people who would have died naturally are living, helping to contribute to our overpopulation and the destruction of the rest of the world and its creatures. Are we better off. I am reading a book called ironically enough "Monkey Dancing" It talks a lot about the environments and animals that are being destroyed and going extinct all over the world. Many of which are in lesser developed countries, don’t worry we have already turned much of our land into barren city wastelands. And we are all helping with theirs. The people who seem the least responsible are often the people who at actually doing the damage. They are often the Abject poor, living under the corrupt poor, who have NO alternative to survive. I wish I could say the exact same was true for AZ but it is not. They are living under rich, cruel, corrupt people, but their main problem now seems to be a lack of self determined motivation, brainwashing. When I think about it all I fill overwhelmingly despondent and driven all at the same time. I just wonder what the worlds will come too. I see what it is moving toward. I just hope we came all open our eyes wide enough to see beyond our own noses..
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
oil
I love you all and we have power at work for the first time in about two weeks - praise the lord I'm not freezing today - I asked about it the other day and was told it was becasue we would not pay them bribes. Luckely they can evedently only abuse one person at a time for so long, or we paided a bribe. Who can really know. Speaking on azerbaijan's crappy courruption. I was reading an article in News Week, though it must be noted in my opinion it is not the most reliable source for world information as it is very scewed. It was called "The Power of Petroleum" and talked about how smaller nations have more resources and less reason to bend to outside forces due to oil and its rising prices. It reads, and I quote "In countries like Nigeria and Azerbaijan, the result is repressive and corrupt political institutions and bloated bureaucracies sustained by oil money" the picture going with the articly is title "THE CURSE OF OIL : Feild workers in Baku, Azerbaijan" it is a picture of one of the disgusting oil feilds that ruin the environment and help currupt the governemtn even farther, or at least give them the means to be courrupt. Thank you News Week, this somewhat makes up for the articla printed a few months ago, though I cant rememnber which exact one, that managed related militants with guns to peace corps volunteers. You know we are so similar. Cant win um all
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
11/16/07
I’m headed to Goycay today for thanksgiving – I little early but we cant get leave during the week. I think pretty much everyone else is going to Baki for the annual thanksgiving dinner. I think it is usually over 100 people and that is just too many people for me and thanksgiving. I think thanksgiving is actually one of my favorite holidays. I love the food, I loved the cooking, and I used to love going to the mountains for thanksgiving. I also love the weather. Crisp, but not freezing. So me and Kat are having out own thanksgiving. Our lovely families sent us some food that we could not get and then we are going to round up anything else we can find. Packing list to go to Goycay – pair of warm pants, random boxed goods that have shown up in the mail.
So it was good. We cooked, a lot, eat a tone and them for some reason, continued to eat through the night. Then I became sick. Well actually, that happened the next day. I woke up not feeling right. Prayed the whole way home on the marshutka that I would not throw up and then heartily made up for it once I got home. I either ate until I was sick literally or my body was just not ready for such different kinds of food. It does live of potatoes, grease and noodles right now. I let my mom and sister do bonka on me. This is where the take these glass jars and suction them to your back using fire. They say if they turn red or black there is sickness. O don’t think I needed the bonka to tell me that and sadly it did not make me feel any better. It did feel pretty good if not a little strange. It is sorta like having someone put really big hickies all over your back but really close together so your skin is pulled really tight.
I’m headed to Goycay today for thanksgiving – I little early but we cant get leave during the week. I think pretty much everyone else is going to Baki for the annual thanksgiving dinner. I think it is usually over 100 people and that is just too many people for me and thanksgiving. I think thanksgiving is actually one of my favorite holidays. I love the food, I loved the cooking, and I used to love going to the mountains for thanksgiving. I also love the weather. Crisp, but not freezing. So me and Kat are having out own thanksgiving. Our lovely families sent us some food that we could not get and then we are going to round up anything else we can find. Packing list to go to Goycay – pair of warm pants, random boxed goods that have shown up in the mail.
So it was good. We cooked, a lot, eat a tone and them for some reason, continued to eat through the night. Then I became sick. Well actually, that happened the next day. I woke up not feeling right. Prayed the whole way home on the marshutka that I would not throw up and then heartily made up for it once I got home. I either ate until I was sick literally or my body was just not ready for such different kinds of food. It does live of potatoes, grease and noodles right now. I let my mom and sister do bonka on me. This is where the take these glass jars and suction them to your back using fire. They say if they turn red or black there is sickness. O don’t think I needed the bonka to tell me that and sadly it did not make me feel any better. It did feel pretty good if not a little strange. It is sorta like having someone put really big hickies all over your back but really close together so your skin is pulled really tight.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Somethings a littel Ratty
11-14-07
A couple of weeks ago Ryan told me he had a rat in the attic above his head. It scurried around, making little pitter patter sounds and he did not like it because it was creepy and sounded like someone else was in the room. I told him to be nice, it was probably very nice and this had been its house before his. They heard me! The other night I heard little pitter patter over my room. I sort of like the way it sounds. I fell asleep and that’s all I knew of it. Last night I knew a little more. I woke up around 2. I wake up every night all night now. Either is it is the malaria pills or my psyci is just off the chain because I have been having some freaky dreams. Last night I woke with my dreams slightly incorporating this weird background noise. The were scurrying, or it, all over my ceiling, really fast, zigzagging. Not a soothing pitter patter of little feet but really not so bad, and then…. It all accumulated into a construction site directly above my head. I mean this as literally as you possibly can when you are talking about rats in the roof. My bed is put into a corner, with my head in that same corner. DIRECTLY, over were my head was they they/it started hammering, moving, rolling, sawing, banging, and my no means quietly. It was a little after two in the morning, I tried to ignore it, thinking they had to stop soon. An hour, I just could not fall asleep with it. I tried listing to my music, it was impossible to drown it out. I got up to stumble outside and maybe by the time I had peed they would have finished construction, they had not. On my excursion through the rest of the house I also noticed that they were no where to be heard but my room. Hmmmmm, fishy I say! It went on and on. I wanted to get mad but had to remind myself they were rats, and it was their house and I had said I liked them. My bad. I now know how people who live in apartment stacked on top of one another with noisy neighbors feel, Banging on the ceiling with brooms or what ever they can find. I actually resorted to that with a stick I had in my room. It worked for all of two minutes, and then was totally ineffective, I still stood up on my bed every so often to bang on the ceiling. This went on for hours, and I eventually fell asleep to it. But as I lay there, wanting to club a rat with my stick, not bang on the ceiling all I could think of was they must be building some magnificent contraption. Maybe like the "if you build it they will come" Maybe because I said I liked them it would be along the lines of that movie where the man has all the rats that follow him. I know how much bubba would like that knowing how much he loves rats. Or maybe it is some grand city. I just imagined the ostentatious, splendid, crazy things they could be building, all the wild indifferent to our foolishness, or maybe laughing at how they have us tricked. Maybe it was a time machine. If so I sure hope they let me use it. Though it may be a tad small. I might have come up with a logical answer for what they were doing, but quite frankly there was none. I have never heard such. At 8 o’clock when I woke up they were still at it in the exact same place. Once the house really woke up they stopped. I image they were pretty tiered. Working on grand schemes all night is a tiring business I imagine.
A couple of weeks ago Ryan told me he had a rat in the attic above his head. It scurried around, making little pitter patter sounds and he did not like it because it was creepy and sounded like someone else was in the room. I told him to be nice, it was probably very nice and this had been its house before his. They heard me! The other night I heard little pitter patter over my room. I sort of like the way it sounds. I fell asleep and that’s all I knew of it. Last night I knew a little more. I woke up around 2. I wake up every night all night now. Either is it is the malaria pills or my psyci is just off the chain because I have been having some freaky dreams. Last night I woke with my dreams slightly incorporating this weird background noise. The were scurrying, or it, all over my ceiling, really fast, zigzagging. Not a soothing pitter patter of little feet but really not so bad, and then…. It all accumulated into a construction site directly above my head. I mean this as literally as you possibly can when you are talking about rats in the roof. My bed is put into a corner, with my head in that same corner. DIRECTLY, over were my head was they they/it started hammering, moving, rolling, sawing, banging, and my no means quietly. It was a little after two in the morning, I tried to ignore it, thinking they had to stop soon. An hour, I just could not fall asleep with it. I tried listing to my music, it was impossible to drown it out. I got up to stumble outside and maybe by the time I had peed they would have finished construction, they had not. On my excursion through the rest of the house I also noticed that they were no where to be heard but my room. Hmmmmm, fishy I say! It went on and on. I wanted to get mad but had to remind myself they were rats, and it was their house and I had said I liked them. My bad. I now know how people who live in apartment stacked on top of one another with noisy neighbors feel, Banging on the ceiling with brooms or what ever they can find. I actually resorted to that with a stick I had in my room. It worked for all of two minutes, and then was totally ineffective, I still stood up on my bed every so often to bang on the ceiling. This went on for hours, and I eventually fell asleep to it. But as I lay there, wanting to club a rat with my stick, not bang on the ceiling all I could think of was they must be building some magnificent contraption. Maybe like the "if you build it they will come" Maybe because I said I liked them it would be along the lines of that movie where the man has all the rats that follow him. I know how much bubba would like that knowing how much he loves rats. Or maybe it is some grand city. I just imagined the ostentatious, splendid, crazy things they could be building, all the wild indifferent to our foolishness, or maybe laughing at how they have us tricked. Maybe it was a time machine. If so I sure hope they let me use it. Though it may be a tad small. I might have come up with a logical answer for what they were doing, but quite frankly there was none. I have never heard such. At 8 o’clock when I woke up they were still at it in the exact same place. Once the house really woke up they stopped. I image they were pretty tiered. Working on grand schemes all night is a tiring business I imagine.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
The Anti Whine
After it has been pointed out in one way or another I see that mast of my posts seem to have bitter undertone to them. I am sorry, it just turns out that I use my blog forum to vent – and I think it is important for people to understand the problems. So no doubt, I will be writing lots of depressing stuff. But don’t mistake the downbeat posts I my write for the experience that I’m having. They are not the same. I am enjoying myself immensely, and there is so much that I love, and I should really sing on that stuff too. The only two things I don’t like are the men and the government, yes seemingly big but not really. Just because they are allowed a lot of influence does not make them big in my daily comings and goings, noticed and felt but not all that important.
Many people fight the down time, about 6 steady months, pushing their way in and being unhappy about it. I love it. Why would I fight something that I was told would be there, would happen, I wont. And why would I fight to do remedial work, work that wont be lasting, I wont. Plus I joined the peace corps, specifically avoiding a 9-5. Yea, the peace corps is a 24/7 job. The good new is when I stop and talk to guy in the post office for 30 minutes, when I go guesting at someone’s house, eating and drinking to my hearts delight, that is work. Where else can that be said? I love Azeri’s giving nature, What is theirs is yours and I hope I take a lot of that home with me. I love their close nit families. I love even more that my families respect my reclusive nature. I love that I have been blessed with two consecutively AMAZING families, who have done everything to make me feel at home and part of the family. Here in Barda I am introduced to everyone as their eldest daughter or dig sister, depending. In Cerenbaton I was told they were my family now so anything I needed or wanted they were there for me. Maybe it is like that all over the world but I have not been their so all I can say is any culture that will so warmly except a stranger in to their home, one who is so drastically different in so many way, is OK with me.
My project Coordinator, Elmir, an Azeri man who I love dearly, was just in town for his first visit to make sure I was settling in fine. He came to the office and we were talking – As I think I have written, to date I have done nothing in my office but sit and stare. The positives being I am always up to date on reading and letter writing. My counterpart seeming none to interested in me and even a little hostile. And in all truth has made me more and more uncomfortable. But I cold see why so I have just kept coming, smiling, leaving, finding other stuff to do and not worrying about it. My though is never take anything for what it seems. I took enough courses in college to know that when you mix two culture just about everything is lost in translation, especially when very little is being said. Elmir asked if I wanted him to talk to him. NO! How do you piss off an already defensive Azeri man? Have an less than overly manly Azeri man, who assists your unwanted PC volunteer "talk" to you. So instead he just asked how I was and bla, bla, bla, general – Afterward me and Elmir talked again. Though some of it was his same ol’ b.s., to avoid doing work with me, etc., one important item was brought to light. Turns out, and I keep hearing this from Azeris, he thinks I am very formal and serious, especially with him. Dam, I never saw myself like this, and I am not but I just don’t talk a lot and to be honest he had started to make me so uncomfortable I probably was very stiff. Actually, I am very relaxed and have nice conversation with most of the fellow shop owners who come around to hang out. The have a skill called sympathetic listening, I am afraid he lacks it. The good news was, after this was relayed to me, and he knew it, his attitude toward me took a 360 making it much more comfortable to be easygoing with him. Though I cant lie, I have to try because his is just one of those high stung argumentative people who I feel less than at ease talking to. But I am going to put out a hella good effort. Am I doing anymore work than before, of course not. But now instead of a huff when I come in and say hello, I get a smile and greeting. Lost in translation, that’s why they say everything needs to be translated at least three times.
Though it is getting cold, when it is not freezing the weather is glorious, and the number of birds, of every shape, size and color, are amazing. They make me think of Vee, the late Vee of course as I have never known my vee to have any extreme love for birds, though she know doubt would find them beautiful as well. We now have two large and four baby turkeys that roam around our yard. I love them, how they talk, and fall asleep all over the place. Somehow managing to be both silly and majestic. I found a fountain with GOLDFISH in it! The first I have seen. They make me very happy and remind me of home. There is the most magnificent mountain that looms in the horizon on my way to work. It is huge, snow covered and seems so solitary, though I feel very sure there are many more behind it. You can see it perfectly from the foot bridge crossing the river right before I get to work, on days when it is clear that is. It is actually amazing, If you happened to walk by on certain days you would have know idea it was there because it can be completely invisible one day, just sky, and the next just stunning!
There is a teenage boy who works at a small shop/tea house on the road to and from my house. I’ve started saying hey to him as I pass, just a salam, sabaniz xeyir or nod of the head. He always nods back or says hello if I do. Never a "Helloooo, What is your name, marry me", he does not stalk me down the road or sucj his teeth. He is a nice boy and a pleasure to pass everyday. There is an oddly chapped building that I love, a bottom level with a diamond of sorts, larger, and perched on top of it. It has tall windows and in each is a large chess piece. It used to be the local chess club, it is lovely to look at. Azerbaijan is covered in roses, every shape, size, color and smell. They are in all the memorial parks, all the road medians, everywhere and many must be cold weather roses because they are still blooming, much to my delight. Often random men will coming and start trying to talk to me. Usually they are not sympathetic listeners or talkers, hence I cannot understand them usually. This will lead to them getting on the phone, calling someone and then telling me to talk to them. It is usually a woman who speaks at least some English. They have heard about me and want to meet me, they have sent they husbands, or suns, or father in laws or whoever to get me in touch with them. A woman who I could barley talk to on the phone, but was very nice, is coming to my work Tuesday. At least that is what I think is going to happen, then again someone could just as likely shop up to take me some where, and I would go with them with out a second thought, knowing it would be fine, another thing I love about this place, it is so easy to trust.
So no matter how often I use this as a forum to voice all of my frustrations about the country and its people, I am in no way unhappy or suffering, merely frustrated. Luckily for me I can vent issues I think other people should know about, your average 9-5er in America is probably 1000 times more unhappy and aggravated, unfortunately for them everyone already knows why they are unhappy. For all the trying things I have to deal with I get graced with 100 wonderful blessings. Ahhhhhhh, life is good.
Many people fight the down time, about 6 steady months, pushing their way in and being unhappy about it. I love it. Why would I fight something that I was told would be there, would happen, I wont. And why would I fight to do remedial work, work that wont be lasting, I wont. Plus I joined the peace corps, specifically avoiding a 9-5. Yea, the peace corps is a 24/7 job. The good new is when I stop and talk to guy in the post office for 30 minutes, when I go guesting at someone’s house, eating and drinking to my hearts delight, that is work. Where else can that be said? I love Azeri’s giving nature, What is theirs is yours and I hope I take a lot of that home with me. I love their close nit families. I love even more that my families respect my reclusive nature. I love that I have been blessed with two consecutively AMAZING families, who have done everything to make me feel at home and part of the family. Here in Barda I am introduced to everyone as their eldest daughter or dig sister, depending. In Cerenbaton I was told they were my family now so anything I needed or wanted they were there for me. Maybe it is like that all over the world but I have not been their so all I can say is any culture that will so warmly except a stranger in to their home, one who is so drastically different in so many way, is OK with me.
My project Coordinator, Elmir, an Azeri man who I love dearly, was just in town for his first visit to make sure I was settling in fine. He came to the office and we were talking – As I think I have written, to date I have done nothing in my office but sit and stare. The positives being I am always up to date on reading and letter writing. My counterpart seeming none to interested in me and even a little hostile. And in all truth has made me more and more uncomfortable. But I cold see why so I have just kept coming, smiling, leaving, finding other stuff to do and not worrying about it. My though is never take anything for what it seems. I took enough courses in college to know that when you mix two culture just about everything is lost in translation, especially when very little is being said. Elmir asked if I wanted him to talk to him. NO! How do you piss off an already defensive Azeri man? Have an less than overly manly Azeri man, who assists your unwanted PC volunteer "talk" to you. So instead he just asked how I was and bla, bla, bla, general – Afterward me and Elmir talked again. Though some of it was his same ol’ b.s., to avoid doing work with me, etc., one important item was brought to light. Turns out, and I keep hearing this from Azeris, he thinks I am very formal and serious, especially with him. Dam, I never saw myself like this, and I am not but I just don’t talk a lot and to be honest he had started to make me so uncomfortable I probably was very stiff. Actually, I am very relaxed and have nice conversation with most of the fellow shop owners who come around to hang out. The have a skill called sympathetic listening, I am afraid he lacks it. The good news was, after this was relayed to me, and he knew it, his attitude toward me took a 360 making it much more comfortable to be easygoing with him. Though I cant lie, I have to try because his is just one of those high stung argumentative people who I feel less than at ease talking to. But I am going to put out a hella good effort. Am I doing anymore work than before, of course not. But now instead of a huff when I come in and say hello, I get a smile and greeting. Lost in translation, that’s why they say everything needs to be translated at least three times.
Though it is getting cold, when it is not freezing the weather is glorious, and the number of birds, of every shape, size and color, are amazing. They make me think of Vee, the late Vee of course as I have never known my vee to have any extreme love for birds, though she know doubt would find them beautiful as well. We now have two large and four baby turkeys that roam around our yard. I love them, how they talk, and fall asleep all over the place. Somehow managing to be both silly and majestic. I found a fountain with GOLDFISH in it! The first I have seen. They make me very happy and remind me of home. There is the most magnificent mountain that looms in the horizon on my way to work. It is huge, snow covered and seems so solitary, though I feel very sure there are many more behind it. You can see it perfectly from the foot bridge crossing the river right before I get to work, on days when it is clear that is. It is actually amazing, If you happened to walk by on certain days you would have know idea it was there because it can be completely invisible one day, just sky, and the next just stunning!
There is a teenage boy who works at a small shop/tea house on the road to and from my house. I’ve started saying hey to him as I pass, just a salam, sabaniz xeyir or nod of the head. He always nods back or says hello if I do. Never a "Helloooo, What is your name, marry me", he does not stalk me down the road or sucj his teeth. He is a nice boy and a pleasure to pass everyday. There is an oddly chapped building that I love, a bottom level with a diamond of sorts, larger, and perched on top of it. It has tall windows and in each is a large chess piece. It used to be the local chess club, it is lovely to look at. Azerbaijan is covered in roses, every shape, size, color and smell. They are in all the memorial parks, all the road medians, everywhere and many must be cold weather roses because they are still blooming, much to my delight. Often random men will coming and start trying to talk to me. Usually they are not sympathetic listeners or talkers, hence I cannot understand them usually. This will lead to them getting on the phone, calling someone and then telling me to talk to them. It is usually a woman who speaks at least some English. They have heard about me and want to meet me, they have sent they husbands, or suns, or father in laws or whoever to get me in touch with them. A woman who I could barley talk to on the phone, but was very nice, is coming to my work Tuesday. At least that is what I think is going to happen, then again someone could just as likely shop up to take me some where, and I would go with them with out a second thought, knowing it would be fine, another thing I love about this place, it is so easy to trust.
So no matter how often I use this as a forum to voice all of my frustrations about the country and its people, I am in no way unhappy or suffering, merely frustrated. Luckily for me I can vent issues I think other people should know about, your average 9-5er in America is probably 1000 times more unhappy and aggravated, unfortunately for them everyone already knows why they are unhappy. For all the trying things I have to deal with I get graced with 100 wonderful blessings. Ahhhhhhh, life is good.
Monday, October 22, 2007
The Sound of Love
Well maybe not love but it sure envolves a lot of yelling. Two things recently have made me think more and more about “love” in Azerbaijan, or the lack of – First is the amount of attention that I now get, which is one of the reasons the transition to my new site has seemed more difficult than the initial transition to Azerbaijan. The second being that I just talked to a friend from home who just got happily married this past month. – CONGRADULATIONS AMY AND TRAVIS!!!!!! My first home, and still favorite was CÉ™rÉ™nbÉ™ton. It was very small so everyone knew me and very close to Sumgayit and relatively close to Bakı. Bakı is a big city so it is just different, more liberal, and that spills over to surrounding areas. Now I am in the regions and a much bigger city than I was at first. Plus unemployment is horrible so there is never any lack of restless young men lounging around doing nothing and of course a complete lack of young women because they are all locked away in the house. Well of course except for me. I am out and must just exude foreigners. Which is fine except the boys are already girl crazy and have the idea that all foreign women are “available” – a kick back form the Russians. Thanks Russia!!
It’s the normal stares, comments and teeth sucking, yes I said teeth sucking – Americans whistle, Mexicans click and Azeris suck their teeth – It is just aggravating because am very limited in what I can do – Actually close to nothing. Saying ANYTHING – no matter how negative encourages them, and making a scene will just be interpreted as me being a crazy woman, not him being a stalker. It is just cultural, but very annoying. I was talking with my tutor, familia, husband about it and he was trying to explain it was not that they were bad or not respectful but was because boys and girls did not have any contact and the were just a little wild. And they do not, they do not walk together, talk together, my host family even refused to let me have male friends at the house because they have daughters. I agreed with his reasons but disagreed that they were not disrespectful. They are, Very, cultural or not it is disrespectful, to yell, chase down the street, stand two inches from a person and blow kisses or just stare, taunt, grab, follow in your car, or stalk. One volunteer actually had a stalker for a year.
They problem is once they get married things do not seem so much better. Arranged marriages do still happen, though to a lesser degree than in the past, but I have met thirteen-year-old girls with babies. There are also kidnappings. If a boy wants to marry a girl and for whatever reason cannot all he has to do is kidnap her and keep her for a night. Then she is forced to marry him because there is the possibility that she has been “tainted” and if she does not marry him she will NEVER be able to get married. These are horrible when they are real but I rather like the idea when they are staged. Couples that really want to get married but cant will often stage this so their families will have to let them wed. Couples just don’t seem very happy, especially older couples. Yes divorce is low, but people seem so miserable. They stay together though drunkenness, abuse, infidelity. And yes most men cheat. Prostates are pretty much accepted by women as something men do. They want their wives pure and good and leave everything else to the prostitutes. There are many reason they don’t get divorced, for one it is not a normal cultural practice, but also, if a woman gets divorced the chances of her ever being able to remarry are slim to none. In addition, she often has no way to support herself and if her family refused to take her back, which is often the case, she has no other choice but to stay in an unhappy situation. Actually the number 1 reason for divorce is because the wife does not get pregnant within the first year – the husband is legally entitled to a divorce because it could not possibly be his fault.
They thing is that I hate to be so negative about men here. It does not feel healthy but I am not sure how else to view it all. They good thing is that every time I feel like I am going to snap at the next man I pass I see something to give me hope – I do see change, change is just slow. My parents in CÉ™rÉ™nbÉ™ton seemed genuinely happy. They joked and played and I loved to see them, I here more young girls everyday say they don’t want marriage and kids but a profession and independence and I am given hope. Especially when they are so aware that education is their stepping stone out. And then just little things, the other day I was on my way to work and passed a young couple. They were walking across the bridge arm in arm, smiling and laughing not less. It was so uplifting to see I stopped just to watch them go. It is funny, I never though I would be so taken by such simple things but I am and only hope that I will find more and more. So, the next time I walk down the street and am followed by a chorus of “hello, what is your name” followed directly by “ I love you” I’ll think of the couple of the bridge and my sister with plans of being a world traveling business woman, and have a little hope. And when all else fails I’ll take comfort in the fact that no matter their motives, at least they are screaming “I Love You” and not “I Hate You”.
It’s the normal stares, comments and teeth sucking, yes I said teeth sucking – Americans whistle, Mexicans click and Azeris suck their teeth – It is just aggravating because am very limited in what I can do – Actually close to nothing. Saying ANYTHING – no matter how negative encourages them, and making a scene will just be interpreted as me being a crazy woman, not him being a stalker. It is just cultural, but very annoying. I was talking with my tutor, familia, husband about it and he was trying to explain it was not that they were bad or not respectful but was because boys and girls did not have any contact and the were just a little wild. And they do not, they do not walk together, talk together, my host family even refused to let me have male friends at the house because they have daughters. I agreed with his reasons but disagreed that they were not disrespectful. They are, Very, cultural or not it is disrespectful, to yell, chase down the street, stand two inches from a person and blow kisses or just stare, taunt, grab, follow in your car, or stalk. One volunteer actually had a stalker for a year.
They problem is once they get married things do not seem so much better. Arranged marriages do still happen, though to a lesser degree than in the past, but I have met thirteen-year-old girls with babies. There are also kidnappings. If a boy wants to marry a girl and for whatever reason cannot all he has to do is kidnap her and keep her for a night. Then she is forced to marry him because there is the possibility that she has been “tainted” and if she does not marry him she will NEVER be able to get married. These are horrible when they are real but I rather like the idea when they are staged. Couples that really want to get married but cant will often stage this so their families will have to let them wed. Couples just don’t seem very happy, especially older couples. Yes divorce is low, but people seem so miserable. They stay together though drunkenness, abuse, infidelity. And yes most men cheat. Prostates are pretty much accepted by women as something men do. They want their wives pure and good and leave everything else to the prostitutes. There are many reason they don’t get divorced, for one it is not a normal cultural practice, but also, if a woman gets divorced the chances of her ever being able to remarry are slim to none. In addition, she often has no way to support herself and if her family refused to take her back, which is often the case, she has no other choice but to stay in an unhappy situation. Actually the number 1 reason for divorce is because the wife does not get pregnant within the first year – the husband is legally entitled to a divorce because it could not possibly be his fault.
They thing is that I hate to be so negative about men here. It does not feel healthy but I am not sure how else to view it all. They good thing is that every time I feel like I am going to snap at the next man I pass I see something to give me hope – I do see change, change is just slow. My parents in CÉ™rÉ™nbÉ™ton seemed genuinely happy. They joked and played and I loved to see them, I here more young girls everyday say they don’t want marriage and kids but a profession and independence and I am given hope. Especially when they are so aware that education is their stepping stone out. And then just little things, the other day I was on my way to work and passed a young couple. They were walking across the bridge arm in arm, smiling and laughing not less. It was so uplifting to see I stopped just to watch them go. It is funny, I never though I would be so taken by such simple things but I am and only hope that I will find more and more. So, the next time I walk down the street and am followed by a chorus of “hello, what is your name” followed directly by “ I love you” I’ll think of the couple of the bridge and my sister with plans of being a world traveling business woman, and have a little hope. And when all else fails I’ll take comfort in the fact that no matter their motives, at least they are screaming “I Love You” and not “I Hate You”.
The sitting monkey act
I’m at my new site and have started at my organization. I guess I have really been here almost a month now. We are all placed with organizations but are expected to only help there and then work on an equal number of independent projects. My organization is an agro marketing center. There is only one man who works here, and one girl who volunteers as a secretary of sorts, I imagine to gain skills and just have something to do because life in the village is pretty uneventful. – My org. basically works to supply information to both farmers and build relationships between them and supplies because there is no trust. My organization is under ACTIVTA’s “control” at least for a couple more years, and still further under the OXFAM umbrella, which is working with agriculture in the region through my center, and an organization called ARAN and another called FinDEV – each with its own area of work. – Actually OXFAM puts a lot of money into a wide range of programs in Azerbaijan and all over the world. Basically, I was told I am here to work with women farmers. Women do something like 70% of the work in agriculture, but because they are women it is very hard for them to get loans(which they are actually more prone to paying back and using for the purposes they say), participate in trainings or even express their needs and problems to those who might be able to help. Most of this is simply due to the fact they cant socialize with “strange” men, and sense men typically work and women stay at home they cant go into the city and talk to a man about a loan, or go to a training given by a man, or even openly talk to a man about their issues.
So here I am, at a “drop center” in the regions, brought in by AKTIVTA to satisfy the people at OXFAM.- the funding- Which is what makes it twice as difficult and slow. Not only am I a young woman, but I am pretty sure my “counterpart” is not so happy about me. And in his defense, I can see why. They brought a foreigner in and said here, she is going to help work with marketing, international projects and women, if not explained right it is quite a slap in the face and I am beginning to think I was not really explained well at all. It seems like an insult or implication that he cannot do his job. I have no idea how well he does his job, all I know is I am basically here for the monkey dance, to help with communication, and to bring a different way of looking at things. Of course, even if I was explained with all the eloquence of the world there would probably still be confusion and distrust me. Most people just cant fathom why you would leave the US to come here an do work for no money, so they usually don’t believe you. They often think you are rich, lying about not getting paid or just a spy. In addition, they chunked me in at a time when they are trying to do an overhaul on this center. In a year they expect this office to be self-sustainable. That means they have to expand their activities and start finding ways to bring in income. That means dues, new projects, anything to get their own funding. Actually, most NGO’s seem to start in one are and then just branch out to all. I think they are just all scrambling to make money any way they can. The unfortunate thing is that working in an NGO here is nothing like you expect. That is because people are working in them not because they have this overwhelming urge to help but because they are the best paying jobs you can find in the regions. So they just don’t care as much and often sink into the same corruption that is killing the economy as a whole.
Right now my counterpart still views me as an outsider intruding on him. And it does not help that the head guy is pushing so much, and evidently did not explain me very well. The other day he was here and they were arguing back and forth – The head guy was translating every once in a while. Then they got to me. He said he was trying to explain what I was doing here, what my purpose was and what I could bring. It just seems like he should have been very clear on that before I gut here, but then that is just how Azeris work. Back to the idea of perceptions – when I first got here he wanted to know if I had a degree. International business I said, why did they not send someone with a agro degree he wanted to know – I did not have an answer. Then when he was talking with the head guy, the head guy was trying to explain how I could help with this and that, including marketing, just new ideas, outside observations – well I did not have a marketing degree he said. They funniest thing is if you give me enough money and a little time I’m sure I could buy myself a lovely marketing degree right her in good ol Azerbaijan, that’s how most people get theirs anyway. Just joking, I’m not sure how many do but I know that it is done frequently. You can buy your way into school, buy your grades, and sometimes even if your grades are good you may still have to pay for them. There is a reason why Azerbaijan is one of the top 10 most corrupt countries in the world. Number 3 I think – Any how, it is just going to take time for him to get used to me – The head office is pushing him to take me when he goes out and works so I have been told once the agro fair we are hosting this month is over and he is not so busy he will take me but we will see. AKTIVTA is just pushing, “start projects, you can do what ever you like, give us new ideas”, Whoa there sir, one step at a time. I have only been a month and my counterpart still thinks I’m a gorilla in a tutu(as peace corps so wonderfully explained it to us) One of the very good side is my only request during site placement was an organization that did not need me much so I could do a lot of community work. Looks like I got it.
So here I am, at a “drop center” in the regions, brought in by AKTIVTA to satisfy the people at OXFAM.- the funding- Which is what makes it twice as difficult and slow. Not only am I a young woman, but I am pretty sure my “counterpart” is not so happy about me. And in his defense, I can see why. They brought a foreigner in and said here, she is going to help work with marketing, international projects and women, if not explained right it is quite a slap in the face and I am beginning to think I was not really explained well at all. It seems like an insult or implication that he cannot do his job. I have no idea how well he does his job, all I know is I am basically here for the monkey dance, to help with communication, and to bring a different way of looking at things. Of course, even if I was explained with all the eloquence of the world there would probably still be confusion and distrust me. Most people just cant fathom why you would leave the US to come here an do work for no money, so they usually don’t believe you. They often think you are rich, lying about not getting paid or just a spy. In addition, they chunked me in at a time when they are trying to do an overhaul on this center. In a year they expect this office to be self-sustainable. That means they have to expand their activities and start finding ways to bring in income. That means dues, new projects, anything to get their own funding. Actually, most NGO’s seem to start in one are and then just branch out to all. I think they are just all scrambling to make money any way they can. The unfortunate thing is that working in an NGO here is nothing like you expect. That is because people are working in them not because they have this overwhelming urge to help but because they are the best paying jobs you can find in the regions. So they just don’t care as much and often sink into the same corruption that is killing the economy as a whole.
Right now my counterpart still views me as an outsider intruding on him. And it does not help that the head guy is pushing so much, and evidently did not explain me very well. The other day he was here and they were arguing back and forth – The head guy was translating every once in a while. Then they got to me. He said he was trying to explain what I was doing here, what my purpose was and what I could bring. It just seems like he should have been very clear on that before I gut here, but then that is just how Azeris work. Back to the idea of perceptions – when I first got here he wanted to know if I had a degree. International business I said, why did they not send someone with a agro degree he wanted to know – I did not have an answer. Then when he was talking with the head guy, the head guy was trying to explain how I could help with this and that, including marketing, just new ideas, outside observations – well I did not have a marketing degree he said. They funniest thing is if you give me enough money and a little time I’m sure I could buy myself a lovely marketing degree right her in good ol Azerbaijan, that’s how most people get theirs anyway. Just joking, I’m not sure how many do but I know that it is done frequently. You can buy your way into school, buy your grades, and sometimes even if your grades are good you may still have to pay for them. There is a reason why Azerbaijan is one of the top 10 most corrupt countries in the world. Number 3 I think – Any how, it is just going to take time for him to get used to me – The head office is pushing him to take me when he goes out and works so I have been told once the agro fair we are hosting this month is over and he is not so busy he will take me but we will see. AKTIVTA is just pushing, “start projects, you can do what ever you like, give us new ideas”, Whoa there sir, one step at a time. I have only been a month and my counterpart still thinks I’m a gorilla in a tutu(as peace corps so wonderfully explained it to us) One of the very good side is my only request during site placement was an organization that did not need me much so I could do a lot of community work. Looks like I got it.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Perceptions
So I’m washing cloths today – A Lot of Them – I’m not so consistent with it. I was given many warnings about cloths washing. Mainly that my host mom would stand over me like a hawk – because she would expect me to be completely inept and force me to scrub until my hands were raw. I cringed, then I got lucky. Turns out my mom was a little more progressive and had more of a live and let live attitude, as much as an Azeri can. She pretty much gave me a bucket and some hot water, soap and said have at it. – Actually, she gave me two kinds of soap – one in a powder form, the other in a bar. Evidently the bar is used to scrub out stains – I hade been using this soap to wash with for several weeks and had been wondering why their soap was so dam rough. At least I was extra clean – I am actually a crappy cloths washer, not because I couldn’t be a good one but because I just don’t care. I did not join the Peace Corps to be neat and tidy; I was thinking more of an all natural effect. So, sometimes I put them in a bucket and proceed to stomp on them – If I’m really lazy I will put them in su, leave them to soak, come back, poke them once or twice (literally), soak and then rinse them. Due to my shitty cloths washing my cloths are usually stiff with soap and probably not completely clean. Oh well, I will leave the appearances to the Azeris, because to an Azeri appearances are VERY important.
When I was told, you would see Azeries doing the funniest of jobs in the finest of cloths they were not lying. And the women, they love heals, stilettos, ones that wrap all the way up your leg, clear ones, sparkly studded ones. Imagine a 60 year old woman in a pair of 3 inch, spiked, stiletto heals. And it is not as if the road is flat or even, or as if the cars are not trying to run you over at all times so you have to sprint half the time. But alas, I will not leave it totally to them. At present I actually dress more conservatively than most Azeri women I see. This is because I have to counter act the fact that I am an American or risk serious harassment. See, Americans are viewed a being “available.” Innocent until proven guilty is not applied in this case. The good news is after about 6 months I can start wearing cloths a little less conservatively, such as tank tops, not spaghetti strap of course. I actually never though there would be a day when I would genuinely feel uncomfortable in a tank top. I wore one to Baku the one time I went, being a big city it is normal, however, on the way home, once I got back in the rural areas I just wanted to shrink and disappear so no one would notice.
Why are appearances so important, of course they are everywhere, but it is still strange. It is acceptable to wear a shirt that is virtually see threw all long as it covers the right parts. Can you see those parts anyway, of course, does it matter, no because for appearance sake they are covered. – Or if you are talking to them, no matter the language, no matter what you say, if you follow it by asking did they understand they will tell you yes, even if they are 110% utterly and totally baffled. I do it too sometimes, when I am tiered and just don’t want them to try to explain, it is just easier, But I am told by other Azeri people that they do it out of a sense of pride. They hate to admit they are wrong or don’t understand, so they will never ask for clarification and never say they are confused.- all for appearance. So just me walking down the street looking happy instead of scowling will draw mass amounts of attention because I appear happy, I am. If you ever attend an Azeri wedding ( a toy) you will notice that the bride looks VERY unhappy, always. Is she? I have no idea, but they can’t all be. She looks unhappy because for appearances sake it is unacceptable for her to look happy. This would imply that she is actually looking forward to having sex. And that is not acceptable. Talk about discipline and will power. How do you not smile once during your wedding, especially when random strangers are coming up behind where you are sitting to have there picture taken “with you”- I actually did that. So anyhow, I have learned to scowl, to have the worst go to hell look, it sound horrible but to not is disastrous – I still reek of foreignerness – the way I dress, walk, carry myself – they pick me out 300 yards off from the opposite side of the street through a crowd. It is definitely unnerving. The children and women I don’t mind but the men make me insane. The good news is every time I get aggravated by some thoughtless person I meet a really nice one. So I guess that means it all evens out in the end. I just have to make sure I don’t get caught up in appearances myself and take each person one at a time.
When I was told, you would see Azeries doing the funniest of jobs in the finest of cloths they were not lying. And the women, they love heals, stilettos, ones that wrap all the way up your leg, clear ones, sparkly studded ones. Imagine a 60 year old woman in a pair of 3 inch, spiked, stiletto heals. And it is not as if the road is flat or even, or as if the cars are not trying to run you over at all times so you have to sprint half the time. But alas, I will not leave it totally to them. At present I actually dress more conservatively than most Azeri women I see. This is because I have to counter act the fact that I am an American or risk serious harassment. See, Americans are viewed a being “available.” Innocent until proven guilty is not applied in this case. The good news is after about 6 months I can start wearing cloths a little less conservatively, such as tank tops, not spaghetti strap of course. I actually never though there would be a day when I would genuinely feel uncomfortable in a tank top. I wore one to Baku the one time I went, being a big city it is normal, however, on the way home, once I got back in the rural areas I just wanted to shrink and disappear so no one would notice.
Why are appearances so important, of course they are everywhere, but it is still strange. It is acceptable to wear a shirt that is virtually see threw all long as it covers the right parts. Can you see those parts anyway, of course, does it matter, no because for appearance sake they are covered. – Or if you are talking to them, no matter the language, no matter what you say, if you follow it by asking did they understand they will tell you yes, even if they are 110% utterly and totally baffled. I do it too sometimes, when I am tiered and just don’t want them to try to explain, it is just easier, But I am told by other Azeri people that they do it out of a sense of pride. They hate to admit they are wrong or don’t understand, so they will never ask for clarification and never say they are confused.- all for appearance. So just me walking down the street looking happy instead of scowling will draw mass amounts of attention because I appear happy, I am. If you ever attend an Azeri wedding ( a toy) you will notice that the bride looks VERY unhappy, always. Is she? I have no idea, but they can’t all be. She looks unhappy because for appearances sake it is unacceptable for her to look happy. This would imply that she is actually looking forward to having sex. And that is not acceptable. Talk about discipline and will power. How do you not smile once during your wedding, especially when random strangers are coming up behind where you are sitting to have there picture taken “with you”- I actually did that. So anyhow, I have learned to scowl, to have the worst go to hell look, it sound horrible but to not is disastrous – I still reek of foreignerness – the way I dress, walk, carry myself – they pick me out 300 yards off from the opposite side of the street through a crowd. It is definitely unnerving. The children and women I don’t mind but the men make me insane. The good news is every time I get aggravated by some thoughtless person I meet a really nice one. So I guess that means it all evens out in the end. I just have to make sure I don’t get caught up in appearances myself and take each person one at a time.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Night Trains are Glorious
THE NIGHT TRAIN
I took a train back from my permanent site visit back to site. The trains here only run at night for the most part. This is because they use the tracks for hauling cargo “oil” during the day. We left at 10pm. Now usually trains are associated with speed. This was not the case. Some are very old, mine, and slow. It took us 8 hours to do what took us 5 ½ in a big buss going over very poor roads, but it was wonderful. The train hums, thuds, clacks, creeks and scrapes as it rocks and sways is way down the track. It may not sound incredible but for me it was soothing. I was in a sleep cabin on the top bunk. The window, which my head was level with, was broken, or maybe missing, so the cool night air circulated constantly. Even though it was night you should see some sites, cars and cities in the distance, groups of boys waiting by the track just to yell, IDP’s living in old train cars. Maybe I’m just a night person but everything about it was relaxing, and when I was tiered of watching out the window I just let the train lull me to sleep. And when I woke up in the night I never had to worry because she was always there to put me right back to sleep.
I took a train back from my permanent site visit back to site. The trains here only run at night for the most part. This is because they use the tracks for hauling cargo “oil” during the day. We left at 10pm. Now usually trains are associated with speed. This was not the case. Some are very old, mine, and slow. It took us 8 hours to do what took us 5 ½ in a big buss going over very poor roads, but it was wonderful. The train hums, thuds, clacks, creeks and scrapes as it rocks and sways is way down the track. It may not sound incredible but for me it was soothing. I was in a sleep cabin on the top bunk. The window, which my head was level with, was broken, or maybe missing, so the cool night air circulated constantly. Even though it was night you should see some sites, cars and cities in the distance, groups of boys waiting by the track just to yell, IDP’s living in old train cars. Maybe I’m just a night person but everything about it was relaxing, and when I was tiered of watching out the window I just let the train lull me to sleep. And when I woke up in the night I never had to worry because she was always there to put me right back to sleep.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Saturday, September 1, 2007
a running list
So I thought I would start an ongoing list of likes and dislikes ... here we go
THINGS I LOVE
-Azeri humor – say in Barda
-Call to prayer
-That they are soooooo generous
-Take you right into their family and make you a part of it
-Always willing to help
-Martshukas
-Watermelons are dirt cheap and delicious all summer
- all fruits and vegetable are wonderful and FRESH
-They do A LOT for you
-their sense of time - SLOW
-that moo moos are an acceptable form of dress
- the art work
- actually learned to love hot cay
THINGS I DON’T LOVE
-Their fear of all that is cold, especially ice
-The trash
-Being stuck of a sweaty martshuka while the fat lady beside you tries to sleep of you for -5 hours
-There are no fresh fruits and vegetables in winter
- not being allowed to do certain things because I am a girl
-not being allowed to do certain things because I am guest – for months
-their sense of time when I’m in a hurry, ha ha!
- the bathroms- or lack there of- or there might as well not not be because the are disqusting
THINGS I LOVE
-Azeri humor – say in Barda
-Call to prayer
-That they are soooooo generous
-Take you right into their family and make you a part of it
-Always willing to help
-Martshukas
-Watermelons are dirt cheap and delicious all summer
- all fruits and vegetable are wonderful and FRESH
-They do A LOT for you
-their sense of time - SLOW
-that moo moos are an acceptable form of dress
- the art work
- actually learned to love hot cay
THINGS I DON’T LOVE
-Their fear of all that is cold, especially ice
-The trash
-Being stuck of a sweaty martshuka while the fat lady beside you tries to sleep of you for -5 hours
-There are no fresh fruits and vegetables in winter
- not being allowed to do certain things because I am a girl
-not being allowed to do certain things because I am guest – for months
-their sense of time when I’m in a hurry, ha ha!
- the bathroms- or lack there of- or there might as well not not be because the are disqusting
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
few pics
me with ryans host dad - i love grapes
below - this is a woman's (qadin) salon - the VIAGRA womans salon - thats my kind of salon!!
<- me and my watermelon children - I eat a lot of waternmelon so my family started calling me their water melon daughter - they then said I ate my husband but that these were my children - I said I would eat them too. 
<- a mosque, one of many, but this one let us, women, in as long as we covered our heads
<- can you find Mario
below - this is a woman's (qadin) salon - the VIAGRA womans salon - thats my kind of salon!!
<- business woman by day - house builder later that day - and they are thrifty - this is made od mud bricks, card board, and random wood. below
- me and tarzan - the first "pet" dot i'v seen. they are still pretty rough on her so I play with here a lot - they seem to be catching on.
<- me and my watermelon children - I eat a lot of waternmelon so my family started calling me their water melon daughter - they then said I ate my husband but that these were my children - I said I would eat them too.
<- a mosque, one of many, but this one let us, women, in as long as we covered our heads
<- can you find Mario
Welcome to the Girl Scouts
So here I am, and it is not what I thought – I think something led me blindly here, or maybe I’m just a fool, because if I had taken a good look at it before I would not have come. Sure it is not the place that I had thought or the conditions, ok that’s fine, but I skipped right over the government part, the bureaucracy, how could I. It’s here. But I am only in training and I have been told that actually service is quite different from training. I just sometimes feel like my own enemy. Well I can justify myself to myself, I’m not sure I can justify the people. Once again I had this image in my head. I though I would end up in this magical land of like people. Ha Ha Ha! I walked into training the first day and thought, OK, it is the first day, time passed. I had to admit, the hippies are gone, peace and love has died. be not dead, but it aint 1961. They have been replaced with your everyday all American, clean cut, business oriented, go getting, young Americans. And many seem to be planning on using this time as an extended spring break, “Hey man, Let’s party! where’s the piva?” You can imagine my joy. And I have heard more bitching about heat, toilets and lack of adequate MONEY!! God dame, you joined the Peace Corps, not the fucking girl scouts. I question the screening process. I was told a crazy number of people applied and we were the select few, that getting placed in the caucuses is an honor, that often the “best” got placed here. I am not sure what that says about young Americans. Maybe it says more about the way the Peace Corps is viewed. I must have just been behind the times. I usually am. It seems most of the peace loving, tree hugger’s couldn’t stomach to leave the bowl behind, and what does that say for us, not much more. I prefer to think they are out there, the champions of true light, fighting for the little ones, be it bug or beast(man included in beast of course)They are just finding new ways, right? They could not have all given up yet.
And, for all my very un-love oriented bitching its not really that bad. I just want to vent in writing. People are here because they want to go good, I know it. Are they wrong, of course not, are they less right because they are not pursing it in the way I think it should be done. I want to say yes, but that is only because we all set our own counsels that we live by. We just have the unfortunate tendency to expect others to walk to our beat, well they cannot and will not. I just cant help wishing that they would all love a little more, were a little kinder, were, well I cant even really put it in words. As for the Bureaucracy, what bureaucracy? It only really existes if you let it. Naming it only helps validate it. So I don’t, easier said than done but I can always try.
And I have met them, those people who don’t fit the described norm. Those that just hit a note. A lot really, who don’t fall into my dismal description. It is not so depressing, It was just so surprising and continues to be. But, it is human nature to focus on the extreme. So maybe this is not, they are not what I thought but, but that’s life. They are here; hope they keep coming in one way or another. For all my pessimistic talk I am glad that I am here. I have a purpose and plan to do a lot, a lot of something. Yes, at times I question why I am even here. I have thought what if I just went home, What if? Nothing, I am not prone to giving up. And when it comes down to it I did not come here to play with Americans. I came to interact the world, with Azeris, and that is what I will do. I will cloister myself off if necessary, be that outlandish girl, after all, this is life.
And, for all my very un-love oriented bitching its not really that bad. I just want to vent in writing. People are here because they want to go good, I know it. Are they wrong, of course not, are they less right because they are not pursing it in the way I think it should be done. I want to say yes, but that is only because we all set our own counsels that we live by. We just have the unfortunate tendency to expect others to walk to our beat, well they cannot and will not. I just cant help wishing that they would all love a little more, were a little kinder, were, well I cant even really put it in words. As for the Bureaucracy, what bureaucracy? It only really existes if you let it. Naming it only helps validate it. So I don’t, easier said than done but I can always try.
And I have met them, those people who don’t fit the described norm. Those that just hit a note. A lot really, who don’t fall into my dismal description. It is not so depressing, It was just so surprising and continues to be. But, it is human nature to focus on the extreme. So maybe this is not, they are not what I thought but, but that’s life. They are here; hope they keep coming in one way or another. For all my pessimistic talk I am glad that I am here. I have a purpose and plan to do a lot, a lot of something. Yes, at times I question why I am even here. I have thought what if I just went home, What if? Nothing, I am not prone to giving up. And when it comes down to it I did not come here to play with Americans. I came to interact the world, with Azeris, and that is what I will do. I will cloister myself off if necessary, be that outlandish girl, after all, this is life.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Sorry it took so long
So, Salam,
Here I am – almost a month and it is hard to believe. It seems longer and shorter all at the same time. I have settled into my GREAT host family. A lot of people seem to have some issue or another but I have had none. My mom Shahla, my dad Rasim and two sisters, Vusala and Gunel (16 and 14 respectively) are wonderful. They are already crying about me having leave in two months and say I have to come back and they will come visit me. Both Rasim and Shahla have said that while I am here they are my parents for me. I have never felt so welcomed, thought yes it was very awkward when I first met them. They showed me into their house, a quick tour and then all stood there staring at me in my room. What do you say when you feel drained and have exhausted you language skills in all of 5 min. Not a whole lot and Charades felt a little awkward on the first day so I just pointed to the garden in desperation and got a full tour/taste test.
My room is actually the dining room. It has two windows that get a great breeze and an even greater number of mosquitoes when night comes. The bathroom is your standard hole in the ground – porcelain of course but a hole in the ground all the same – I really don’t mind it, except the fact there is no flushing so the smell is not always pleasant.
The people here in general are so kind and warm. Though many are baffled at why we are hear – it make not sense to leave the US and come here to not get paid. Some actually think we are getting paid but are lying for some reason. It is taking a lot for me to get used to the gender roles. There are definitely things that are “culturally inappropriate and unacceptable” for me to do, that would never have crossed my mind in the states. Even though I don’t agree with everything I have been doing very well to adjust. The hardest part is probably not looking or smiling at anyone unless I really know them, and virtually know socialization with men unless they are family and I know them well. And there are some places I am just not allowed to go. The communities have gotten used to us Americans somewhat and don’t pay much attention when I walk home with a guy friend, so that is nice
So far I have seen a little of the country, “adopted” a few animals and climbed to the top of a castle, which was amazing. I also have seen Iran, though only threw a big fence. And it was a swamp, who would have guessed. I have a picture of the kitten, which Rikki has but not one of qulaqlar yox (no ears), cat and my school dog. I will get one soon and put her up.
We are getting smashed with work right now so I hardly have time to breathe. They have moved the dates for picking CED’s sites up from last year so we have twice the work packed into a small amount of time. I pretty much have full schedule from 8-5 mon-sat (language, CED training and an internship) and then a tone of outside assignments and homework. They say it will slow down some in a few weeks but I am not sure I believe them. I am just banking on the virtual 6 months of down time/adjustment when I get to my site Well I have a lot of stuff I would like to tell all but not enough time so, till next time, which might be another month or so, take care
Mere
Here I am – almost a month and it is hard to believe. It seems longer and shorter all at the same time. I have settled into my GREAT host family. A lot of people seem to have some issue or another but I have had none. My mom Shahla, my dad Rasim and two sisters, Vusala and Gunel (16 and 14 respectively) are wonderful. They are already crying about me having leave in two months and say I have to come back and they will come visit me. Both Rasim and Shahla have said that while I am here they are my parents for me. I have never felt so welcomed, thought yes it was very awkward when I first met them. They showed me into their house, a quick tour and then all stood there staring at me in my room. What do you say when you feel drained and have exhausted you language skills in all of 5 min. Not a whole lot and Charades felt a little awkward on the first day so I just pointed to the garden in desperation and got a full tour/taste test.
My room is actually the dining room. It has two windows that get a great breeze and an even greater number of mosquitoes when night comes. The bathroom is your standard hole in the ground – porcelain of course but a hole in the ground all the same – I really don’t mind it, except the fact there is no flushing so the smell is not always pleasant.
The people here in general are so kind and warm. Though many are baffled at why we are hear – it make not sense to leave the US and come here to not get paid. Some actually think we are getting paid but are lying for some reason. It is taking a lot for me to get used to the gender roles. There are definitely things that are “culturally inappropriate and unacceptable” for me to do, that would never have crossed my mind in the states. Even though I don’t agree with everything I have been doing very well to adjust. The hardest part is probably not looking or smiling at anyone unless I really know them, and virtually know socialization with men unless they are family and I know them well. And there are some places I am just not allowed to go. The communities have gotten used to us Americans somewhat and don’t pay much attention when I walk home with a guy friend, so that is nice
So far I have seen a little of the country, “adopted” a few animals and climbed to the top of a castle, which was amazing. I also have seen Iran, though only threw a big fence. And it was a swamp, who would have guessed. I have a picture of the kitten, which Rikki has but not one of qulaqlar yox (no ears), cat and my school dog. I will get one soon and put her up.
We are getting smashed with work right now so I hardly have time to breathe. They have moved the dates for picking CED’s sites up from last year so we have twice the work packed into a small amount of time. I pretty much have full schedule from 8-5 mon-sat (language, CED training and an internship) and then a tone of outside assignments and homework. They say it will slow down some in a few weeks but I am not sure I believe them. I am just banking on the virtual 6 months of down time/adjustment when I get to my site Well I have a lot of stuff I would like to tell all but not enough time so, till next time, which might be another month or so, take care
Mere
Saturday, June 23, 2007
so off I go
I am flying to Philly tomorrow. The nervousness has just kicked in and I wish I had been more prompt with shit so I could be in bed now. This is just a nice break from last min. packing. - love you all - keep in touch.
mere
mere
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
To The Wire
So, there is almost exactly a month left. Ouch. It is getting hard to tell the nervousness from the excitement, well not quite but there is definitely a lot of both. I have resolved to get all formal work that I need done done THIS WEEK. Otherwise I will just be running around like a chicken with my head cut of till I leave. - Today I got my Durable power of attorney, medical power of attorney & and living will done. How exciting. Not really in case you did not catch the sarcasm. Reading all the stuff does not make me more nervous about the PC, paperwork is not going to make something more dangerous. But their is something about putting in writing how you want to be handles if you are a vegetable. I am not sure I like the finality of it. It make me a little nervous for my family to be so restrained in their decision making ability. I have decided to write my own sort of Medical power of attorney, as long as it is witnessed and notarized I don't see why it wont work. Lets cross our fingers. - enough glum - I just got back from a week at the beach. I had bunches of fun, but finally goodbyes are sad. of well so long to another town. Here is a pic of my and bub in Francis Marion - It is pretty flat so I would not call it hiking but the swamps are nice. - just hoping I don't end up with lime disease;)
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Mixed Reviews
I joined this Azerbaijan Network on face book. I have met the nicest and most interesting people. Marines-people form Azerbaijan-people working with different companies-and those who just moved for other random reasons. They are almost all young, so I guess my demographics will be off and I am going to miss out on a lot of info, but it is still a world of help. Everyone seems to genuinely want to help, and a lot of them have made the same long term moves ( usually for some other reason) and want to share what they found out. So, everyone who has taken the time to write me, THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH!!!
I have heard from two guys in the Peace Corps AZ4, they will be leaving about a month or two after we get there. I am getting sort of mixed review on how people like it. It is probably best if I just listen to the good stuff. I have no urge to show up pre-depressed. I think I will have enough of that in due time ;) After talking with one of the guys I am starting to change my ideas of what I am going to be doing. I was thinking out in bum fuck, with some cows and farmers. This other guy is in CED and is working in an American NGO. I am starting to think I might be working less directly with the farmers and and more with a bigger organization that they are all related to. I am not sure how I like that. -More remote, less Americanized or more Americanized but more convenience? I guess it depend on how much I want to suffer while I am there and how much I want to have to adjust. I don't really know why I am even thinking about it. It is not like I really have much say anyhow:)
Here is a list of things that I have gathered so so far, as the more pertinent
1. Taxi Drivers They are going to try, and I am quite sure succeed, at cheating me (at least until I can figure out what is going on)
2.English My host family is more than likely going to try and make me teach them and/or their children English - and when I refuse, even politely, they are going to talk trash:)
3.Summers are hot and humid as hell, as someone told me " In fact, it is not Saudi Arabia but sometimes it is unbearable because of the humidity" - Though I know even less about Saudi Arabia so that analysis was a little ever my head.
4.Boots/Warm Coat It is not that winters are that bad, but I will never find a either of these that will last more than a month- at least not on my future budget - almost nothing.
If there is anything else supper important it cant be that important b/c is all I can remember right now. Maybe my brain is just being overloaded.
I have heard from two guys in the Peace Corps AZ4, they will be leaving about a month or two after we get there. I am getting sort of mixed review on how people like it. It is probably best if I just listen to the good stuff. I have no urge to show up pre-depressed. I think I will have enough of that in due time ;) After talking with one of the guys I am starting to change my ideas of what I am going to be doing. I was thinking out in bum fuck, with some cows and farmers. This other guy is in CED and is working in an American NGO. I am starting to think I might be working less directly with the farmers and and more with a bigger organization that they are all related to. I am not sure how I like that. -More remote, less Americanized or more Americanized but more convenience? I guess it depend on how much I want to suffer while I am there and how much I want to have to adjust. I don't really know why I am even thinking about it. It is not like I really have much say anyhow:)
Here is a list of things that I have gathered so so far, as the more pertinent
1. Taxi Drivers They are going to try, and I am quite sure succeed, at cheating me (at least until I can figure out what is going on)
2.English My host family is more than likely going to try and make me teach them and/or their children English - and when I refuse, even politely, they are going to talk trash:)
3.Summers are hot and humid as hell, as someone told me " In fact, it is not Saudi Arabia but sometimes it is unbearable because of the humidity" - Though I know even less about Saudi Arabia so that analysis was a little ever my head.
4.Boots/Warm Coat It is not that winters are that bad, but I will never find a either of these that will last more than a month- at least not on my future budget - almost nothing.
If there is anything else supper important it cant be that important b/c is all I can remember right now. Maybe my brain is just being overloaded.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Philadelphia, here I come
I finely heard where I will be leaving from. Good ol Philadelphia. I don't really know anything about it. I was sort of hoping west coast, but oh well. They sent a note that was stern. I think they just want to scare us into good behavior so we don't all show up and make a fool of ourselves and them first thing. They will give me a plane ticket, but I think I may try to drive, so if there is anyone I know along the way you should get in touch with me so I can stop by.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Power of Attorney?????
SO...... Power of Attorney....... Does anyone know anything about power of attorney/durable power of attorney or medical power of attorney? I am trying to take care of all that right now and am stumped. I am looking for forms online but have know idea which one I should use. I would love any help.
Mere
Mere
Saturday, April 7, 2007
To Pack or Not To Pack
something another girl from our group sent us last night and think there are I know I really need to start getting some stuff together but I am having a hard time of it. I have a lot of stuff I just cant seem to keep it in one place. I am an incurable slob sometimes. And I just keep pulling things I have put inmy bag out and using them. I was readinga few things I am missing. I kept hearing about how dressy everyone is on the streets. Appearance is VERY!!! important. Another girl who is there now says she has seen men doing construction in suits, women walking down the road in dresses and heals with live chickens in their hands. So, to the thrifts store it is for me. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Off We Go
Several months ago I got my Peace Corps invitation. I was hoping for Africa, afraid to get freezing eastern Europe and love what I ended up with. I am going to the Republic of Azerbaijan. To be honest I did not even know where it was when I first heard of it. Turns out is is a secular Muslim country located on the Caspian sea. (the lighttan/cream colored one) They are surrounded by Russia, Georgia, Armenia and Iran. The only place in the country that seems volatile is the
Armenia /Azerbaijan border. They have been fighting for some time over an alcove of land outside Azerbaijan. I will be leaving June 24th and will gone for the next 2 years and 3months. I am excited but nervous as hell.
Well I don't really have much to say, just thought I should start with something. So far I am still just going through the grind of trying to get there. Paper work and studying. I feel sadly like I am back in school. I will try to keep utd.
Mere
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