So here I am, and it is not what I thought – I think something led me blindly here, or maybe I’m just a fool, because if I had taken a good look at it before I would not have come. Sure it is not the place that I had thought or the conditions, ok that’s fine, but I skipped right over the government part, the bureaucracy, how could I. It’s here. But I am only in training and I have been told that actually service is quite different from training. I just sometimes feel like my own enemy. Well I can justify myself to myself, I’m not sure I can justify the people. Once again I had this image in my head. I though I would end up in this magical land of like people. Ha Ha Ha! I walked into training the first day and thought, OK, it is the first day, time passed. I had to admit, the hippies are gone, peace and love has died. be not dead, but it aint 1961. They have been replaced with your everyday all American, clean cut, business oriented, go getting, young Americans. And many seem to be planning on using this time as an extended spring break, “Hey man, Let’s party! where’s the piva?” You can imagine my joy. And I have heard more bitching about heat, toilets and lack of adequate MONEY!! God dame, you joined the Peace Corps, not the fucking girl scouts. I question the screening process. I was told a crazy number of people applied and we were the select few, that getting placed in the caucuses is an honor, that often the “best” got placed here. I am not sure what that says about young Americans. Maybe it says more about the way the Peace Corps is viewed. I must have just been behind the times. I usually am. It seems most of the peace loving, tree hugger’s couldn’t stomach to leave the bowl behind, and what does that say for us, not much more. I prefer to think they are out there, the champions of true light, fighting for the little ones, be it bug or beast(man included in beast of course)They are just finding new ways, right? They could not have all given up yet.
And, for all my very un-love oriented bitching its not really that bad. I just want to vent in writing. People are here because they want to go good, I know it. Are they wrong, of course not, are they less right because they are not pursing it in the way I think it should be done. I want to say yes, but that is only because we all set our own counsels that we live by. We just have the unfortunate tendency to expect others to walk to our beat, well they cannot and will not. I just cant help wishing that they would all love a little more, were a little kinder, were, well I cant even really put it in words. As for the Bureaucracy, what bureaucracy? It only really existes if you let it. Naming it only helps validate it. So I don’t, easier said than done but I can always try.
And I have met them, those people who don’t fit the described norm. Those that just hit a note. A lot really, who don’t fall into my dismal description. It is not so depressing, It was just so surprising and continues to be. But, it is human nature to focus on the extreme. So maybe this is not, they are not what I thought but, but that’s life. They are here; hope they keep coming in one way or another. For all my pessimistic talk I am glad that I am here. I have a purpose and plan to do a lot, a lot of something. Yes, at times I question why I am even here. I have thought what if I just went home, What if? Nothing, I am not prone to giving up. And when it comes down to it I did not come here to play with Americans. I came to interact the world, with Azeris, and that is what I will do. I will cloister myself off if necessary, be that outlandish girl, after all, this is life.