its not so bad

I have been at site for a little over 3 months – the first 6months are supposed to be adjustment - figuring out what to do – and it turns out getting over my own disillusionment and frustrations and actually finding what I can do – I think this is why so many volunteers here are so negative –I was really surprised when I got here – everyone was so dispassionate, unhappy , I though god –well I think I see some - many are just disillusioned –this is nothing like they expected when they thought "hey Ill join the Peace Corps" Its not anything like I expected, but the thought of turning out as bitter as so many people here makes me cringe, seems like a wast – I just have to learn to take a completely different outlook – set new goals, get a new plan and vision, to be happy working at a different level
Here is a very simplified list of the countries problems –
a. the authoritative male dominated Culture that undermines and undervalues women
b. laziness and lack of self determination and personal responsibility for ones own future
c. The government and political system
So - a – how do you change a culture, slowly – alright – it is frustrating and discouraging as well as occasionally downright unpleasant for women volunteers here sometimes – but I think this is an area we can do our smalllllll part – b – well im not sure – as a friend here so eloquently wrote me "how do you fix Lazy?" which adequately describes so much of the male youth – the women are of course only expected to get married in the end and be a house wife - There are 30,000 Cay Xanas around my one town – where men spend all there time and money – and lastly – c – what can we do about this problem - Nada, Hecna, nothing really – especially when my very government sweetly wooing the crooks – I think that is what really get me and make it feel so pointless here sometimes – The peace corps is supposedly so impartial – then why does a country like Azerbaijan – so developed in so many ways have ,I believe, just about the highest concentration of volunteers anywhere in the world– Ill tell you , it aint because they so desperately need them. I am disillusioned with my own government and country as much as theirs – When Rudy Giuliani, that antichrist, can actually be considered for a presidency you know we have completely went to the dogs. I had a very sad moment the other day – I have one set of friends here who I talk openly with about the government and the state of the country , an older couple who I love – They absolutely hate the new government and sees it for what it is – and I gather there are only a couple camps here – those who like it, because they get benefits, those who hate it, quietly of course and those who are too afraid and brainwashed to think anything about it at all – The husband is always ranting and she is always shushing him saying they will come kill him or take them off – When we talk of politics, even in their own house is always sort of hushed and secretive – He loves the US, always so great and free and helping people he says and good ol Bush– I hate the subject – how do I explain that is not all good in the US, how do I compare with out being ridiculous, would you tell a man that is dieing of starvation that your 3 crackers a day really are not that good –and lastly there is this sort of feeling of guilt at telling him that America is not the land of opportunity and freedom, it feels wrong to take it away from him – like squashing someone’s faith when it really served no purpose to do so– so I was there the other day and he turned to us with a serious question – he said, America had helped Armenia, and Georgia (there neighbors)with freedom and democracy, they were in Iraq trying to set up democracy, Why wasn’t the United States helping the Azerbaijani people? Why were they just going along with the government instead of stepping in and helping, insisting there be a real democracy, as they had in so many other places - And is was not a joke or a sarcastic question. He really wanted to know and we being the only Americans he knew he asked us - the gallant Peace Corps volunteers traveling the world giving their time to help – what do you say – " why yes the US sees fit to send hundreds of us to hang out with you and make a good impression and what not but has no real plan of helping with the bigger problems because they don’t actually care about the Azeri PEOPLE, they care about the strategic position of the country and therefore their ties with it, in other words with the government" That is a painfully thing to say and even harder to explain – So thanks American Government – Good Job! I used to dream of being in the peace corps – now I agonize over what I can really individually do here –how I can make what feels so meaningless meaningful - I don’t even associate what I do with the peace corps so much and definitely not with the United States – What I am doing here I am going to do for them – for me – So I pray disillusionment over what I’m doing here does not override what I actually can do – come on resilience – How do you reach and effect women, you do every day – how do you fix lazy – you aim at the ones of are not (the women) oh lucky me, that is two birds with one stone – and how do you ignore two entire governments – with skill and mule blinders I guess

the freedom of filth

1-12-08
So the "severest winter in 73 years" seems to be letting up – that is to say there was not any snow today and I saw the sun – Not that there is 3 feet of snow and sleet all day – but it is cold as hell and because it is usually not this cold here they are just not ready for it – there has not been any water sense last Saturday and it does not seem clear when that will let up – consequently I have not had a shower in 10 or 11 days now – luckily I have washed my hair twice in that time – once this morning with a tea pot – my mom kindly pointed out that my hair is falling out – thanks but I was trying to ignore that – maybe I should start weaving a rug ;) I road to Ganja with my dad and some siblings today to get my sister – she is in the college their – The first thing we did when we got there was go by the college and pay a bride to one of her teachers so he would release her grade – It pisses me off - I imagine it does the same to them but then it is just another part of life – she asked if it was like this in America – I said he would be fired – even if you have good marks you may have to pay for them and if your marks are crappy you can probably buy better ones. On the way out we stopped at the Nizami Gangi monument – oddly enough as we driven in we hit one section that looked just like a part of the industrial sector along the highway in Indian, a bridge , open fields with snow on them and a big factory – all except for the road which was poor – well the monument was on top of the bridge sort of – Nizami is a famous poet all over Azerbaijan – He lived from 1141 to 1209 and wrote five major epics of sorts and about the beauty of the country – or area I guess –he statue it the only statue iv seen beside the president and quotations about the beauty of an area written by him can be seen everywhere - he was said to have been born and died in the Ganja region which is why his monument it there with what is said to be his actually grave – I for one do not believe it – though there is am impressive mausoleum temple of sorts - the other large feature of the "park" is a set of life size metal working representing each of his 5 great works – they were beautiful and well done - this is set on a hill over looking the almost barren surroundings - the only dominating feature was set directly behind the statues – puffing away – no matter where you stood – the massive aluminum plat – as we had some out we talked about how it was so bad for the environment – they had pointed that out – I just wondered, watching it through a fragment of wall and a king on horse back – did they see the irony in it

oh the snow

1-5-08
So its been one hell of a day today – I woke up to the wonder of snow – yea – being from South Carolina that’s exciting – and then made the wise decision to go for a walk in the woods – the only wood in town – which are slowly being chopped up for firewood by the local IDP’s – Of course this morning there was more slush on the road than snow – If I had been smart, after the first big truck roared past and coated me with that very same sludge, I would have turned around and headed home – I did not - I went to the circle – the main part of town – to meet Ryan – he was a little late and as I stood in the snow, by the road waiting I realized the snow somehow made the men even more atrocious than usual – I guess seeing a woman standing alone in the cold snow make then think she is extra vulnerable and willing to get in their car – or maybe they think the prostitutes come out in the snow – who can tell – As soon as I saw Ryan I took off so I would not have to stand in front of the stores and be propositioned and was happily harassed some more crossing the bridge as well as re-drenched in twice as much freezing road sludge – I was so grumpy by the time Ryan caught up with me on the other side I could not even take joy in an innocent mouse – actually a huge orange mouse – see the memorial park we passed through had a Christmas thing set up that that has had people in costumes out there for a week or two – for some reason the only thing out there today was a huge neon orange mouse – but all I could think about was the creepy Azeri man lurking underneath. God it was a good start – luckily the woods were glorious, empty and beautiful – I stomped home happy and full of joy again – took off my nice leather, mink oil, so water proof, boots – only to realize my feet were so cold because evidently they were not so water proof – but at least I was home – oh wait – somehow in my tramping too hell, through the woods and back I had lost my keys – the only ones to get into my room at the house and my work key – shit! I then proceeded to venture back out – this time in tennis shoes, destined to be soaked – to hopelessly and futilely wandering searching the ground for my key – fat chance and it was – Drudging back home I realized the only thing that make men worse than snow is a forlorn looking woman staring at the ground as she walks – I actually picked up a Mercedes car stalker in broad daylight – In the end thank god for my family – they told me it was all fine – told me to eat and my dad and uncles proceeded to kick my door down – literally – Thank you amie – a good uncle and a good man - J so in the end I was as happy a pea – sort of – The snow is still falling strong and ice is taking over – by morning it will probably be a regular winter wonderland – and cold as hell – I do hope my boots are dry and I can find some cloths that fit

On a happy not for all who love communes – Jason seems to have started one at his house – the commune is a little too much group love and togetherness for me but it is not bad and produces lots of good food – it has been decided the next step it to start collecting guns and move from commune to compound – oh I see where this is going – better make sure I slip out before the cool-aid is served

where the poor carrot farmers in the village have to wash carrots - in a mub pit with ducks barefoot stomping on them




The eglish language club threw us a christmas/new years party





pretty lights of baki out of my hotel window





part of the gafgas mountains - I can see it from my house on a clear day and not a all some others






making homemade vodka



people drying wool on the pavment outside of what used to be a theatre during soviet times - its now full of idps living

Oh and we got our first bit of snow/hail today - but mostly just wet :(

death - oh what a pain

I went to my first funeral the other day – well at least part of one – Funerals here are as multilayered as weddings are – Me and Famila were joking that the two hardest things to do in Azerbaian are get married and Die. When someone dies there are 7 initial days of morning the 7th being the biggest, followed by every Thursday for four Thursdays then the 40th day after is import ad they are technically in morning with no TV, music, etc for the 40 days then on the year anniversary there are celebrations. The brother of my moms sister in law, who loves bbeside us, died. It was due to blood sugar, not surprising and I here common here. My mom invited me to go on the 7th day. She said she wanted me to see what Azeri funerals were like and it made the deceased happy to see a lot of people come to morn. Funerals are segregated here. The initial burial, is by the men. They carry the body to the cemetery and bury it and the women are not allowed. A big tent is set up out side the house, the men gather her, the women in the house. The hire a agucu for the women – someone who can sing and sings sad sonds, know a little religion so she can talk about it and then just talk about the persons and their life. For the men’s tent a Molla, or one of the "holy men" from the mosque (mascid) is hired. Each day they feed all they people who come and then people donate money to help cover the cost of feeding everyone and the funeral, etc. A list of people and how much they gave is kept and then given to the nearest relative or who ever at the end. I cant tell you what the men do – though I would imaging it involves drinking cay and vodka, and I am told not crying because it is considered unmanly. But the women’s side is intense to say the least. When I went it was a small apartment, a foyer, kitchen, and then two other rooms, both rectangular but one longer than the other. I cant be sure of what the two rooms were initial because they had been cleared of all there stuff and for good reason. All of the rooms formed a sort of circle, where you could walk from the foyer, to kitchen to smaller room to larger and then back into foyer without ever backtracking. And this is what people did of sorts. They would all pile in in groups through the kitchen and into the smaller room. There the group would pack 30 to 40 women all sitting on the floor literally on top of each other. Here the would sit through around or chanting, singing, prayers and crying. At the end of one round everyone would stand up and in true Azeri fashion bum rush the door to the slightly larger room. In this room the wife, immediate family and agucu were sitting. They al sat on the floor with blankets covering their laps. The goal was to pass through and pay their respects. Some then would come back to the room and start over and some new women would come in. It was a none stop cycle from early morning till about 5 in the evening. There were probably over 100 women packed into this small are at all times. All looking morning, some outright sobbing, some beating their chests. The neighbors apartment had been cleared out and table brought in to feed people in shifts. Unfortunately I was unaware of what was going on. After the other apartment I was looking forward to sitting down and eating peacefully for a few moments. They herded me in rushed food out and then before I knew it were shuffling me back out. There were so many people everyone had to speed eat.
It was intense enough to make me cry and I have no idea who the man was or what he was like. All of this made me think about it. Was it healthy, is it better to morn openly with a group and let it out than to horde it like our society seems too. It would seem yea, logically I think it is better to morn openly, to let it out and let everyone see, to have such a strong support network. However, the fact that it even made me cry mad me wonder how many of the people were crying because they actually felt something or was it just reactionary. Toward the end I was crying because I was watching my aunt and then started thinking about how I would loose it if I lost my brother. But then I guess even that is fine, tears are tears and they are good. The problem to me is this. Afterward I went to Famila and she was explaining what I did not understand while I was there. She said that it has in large become a facade. If you do not cry enough, throw a big enough shindig, serve good enough food, it will be said you sis not care for the person who has died, making it impossible to tell what is true emotion and what is an act in order to save face. It is just a shame to me that in societies all around the world people are not just allowed to feel the emotions they feel, always having to pin them in or force them out, always having to put on shows and fronts, that even in the face of death we cant learn to just live and let live.

one more shot

11-23-07/11-24-07 Im sitting in my room retyping something that I have already typed. I hate doing that. The rats are hard at work above my head. Technically I am retyping it because the file was ruined. This is because my computer is very old and I have not been the easiest on it. So it has become a little temperamental. It occasionally turns itself off flashing a rainbow of colors and screaming at the top of its lungs until I take its battery out all together. It particularly dislikes the power to go out, which ultimate leads to it dying before I can turn it off because the battery is shot. Unfortunately for me the power truly enjoys turning off. As a matter of fact we have been playing the peekaboo came for the last couple of hours. It will turn off, wait a while, flash on an off occasionally, every once in a while turning on just long enough to make you think it is for real then go off again. I am praying it is for real this time. Literally I am going to type it aging because I think it is an important point. Here goes….Oh shit, we have started the flashouts again, and the bulbs keep pulsating. Just as I really got comfortable. I can just imagine the men in the room with the switches. What a sense of humor they must have. off – on – off – on – off - ooooooooooooon, no just kidding off alright on/off, gotcha good that time. Oh what jokesters. Maybe this would be better attempted another time but then it being winter there might not be a different time, but I have a feeling their sense of humor will not wane anytime soon.
The subject that I feel is important enough for me to groundhog day it through is that of the Azeris family, My family any family. They amaze me. No nothing bad. I am continuously amazed by their - ok I give up – bye 11-25-07 – al right as I was saying, I am constantly amazed by their closeness, physically and mentally. I am awed and inspired anew every night. My family spend all day every day in CLOSE proximity with each other. The eat, study, socialize, attend school, sleep, and ply with each other. The only thing they don’t do out right together is take showers and go to the bathroom, thank god. A member of the family is new without at least one other member. My four sisters all sleep in one room, beds pushed together so there is enough room. My little brother, 8 , sleep in the room with my parents. Only I have a room to myself which I am sure someone gave up for me to be here. Every night they gather in the living room. All of them, spending time, studying, laughing, joking, always joking, occasionally watching television, singing, and chatting. What is amazing is how happy they ALL are about is. Even more startling, if the TV is on they don’t fight over channels, and they are even willing to ignore and talk over the TV, risking missing something in that made up world for interacting with each other. – Not commonly seen in the US - None of them act as if they want to be somewhere else, no one is upset of mad, unless my brother happens to throw a fit. However that seems to be how all young boys are here. I sat and listened to them last night, even as the power turned off and on every 5 min, laughing, singing and just enjoying each other. Not bitching and bickering. I can just imagine an average American family in the same situation. Its as follows:
Unhappy to start with (no TV, game boy, friends or electricity) but make a half hearted attempt to interact, and by interact I mean entertain themselves at someone else’s expense > Soon become board and irritated > begin to bicker > Pretend Parental figure (PPF)says stop fighting > they are ignored > bickering continues and turns into fighting > PPF yells shut up > they are heeded for about two seconds before it continues and evolved in all out fighting > PPF snaps, shrieking and bellowing, which is useless by this point > The fight turns into and all inclusive brawl, complete with glass smashing, hair pulling, eye gouging, hatchet throwing, and god forbid 56 inch plasma screen TV smashing, which is when you know it is all over > Needless to say no one made it out, that is with the exception of Frances the goldfish, but he is so traumatized he has goon mute > Oh what a loss, another good goldfish lost.
Why is this? Maybe it is totally cultural, maybe there are just not enough TV channels to fight over in AZ and too many in America, maybe they still actually need each other, maybe… maybe they are not so overpowered, bombarded and distracted by so many gadgets and flashing screens that they still remember they are not the only people in the room, in the world. I have this belief that we have given up our sense of connection, to other people, species, and the environment at a whole, for what is deemed "advancement." Is it. Sure, we have more gadgets, more people have a lots of money, even more people are living in abject poverty. Sure we have amazing technology, making is possible for people to be just plain stupid. Sure more people are living to unimaginable ages, often in close to vegetable states. Sure people who would have died naturally are living, helping to contribute to our overpopulation and the destruction of the rest of the world and its creatures. Are we better off. I am reading a book called ironically enough "Monkey Dancing" It talks a lot about the environments and animals that are being destroyed and going extinct all over the world. Many of which are in lesser developed countries, don’t worry we have already turned much of our land into barren city wastelands. And we are all helping with theirs. The people who seem the least responsible are often the people who at actually doing the damage. They are often the Abject poor, living under the corrupt poor, who have NO alternative to survive. I wish I could say the exact same was true for AZ but it is not. They are living under rich, cruel, corrupt people, but their main problem now seems to be a lack of self determined motivation, brainwashing. When I think about it all I fill overwhelmingly despondent and driven all at the same time. I just wonder what the worlds will come too. I see what it is moving toward. I just hope we came all open our eyes wide enough to see beyond our own noses..