Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Somethings a littel Ratty
11-14-07
A couple of weeks ago Ryan told me he had a rat in the attic above his head. It scurried around, making little pitter patter sounds and he did not like it because it was creepy and sounded like someone else was in the room. I told him to be nice, it was probably very nice and this had been its house before his. They heard me! The other night I heard little pitter patter over my room. I sort of like the way it sounds. I fell asleep and that’s all I knew of it. Last night I knew a little more. I woke up around 2. I wake up every night all night now. Either is it is the malaria pills or my psyci is just off the chain because I have been having some freaky dreams. Last night I woke with my dreams slightly incorporating this weird background noise. The were scurrying, or it, all over my ceiling, really fast, zigzagging. Not a soothing pitter patter of little feet but really not so bad, and then…. It all accumulated into a construction site directly above my head. I mean this as literally as you possibly can when you are talking about rats in the roof. My bed is put into a corner, with my head in that same corner. DIRECTLY, over were my head was they they/it started hammering, moving, rolling, sawing, banging, and my no means quietly. It was a little after two in the morning, I tried to ignore it, thinking they had to stop soon. An hour, I just could not fall asleep with it. I tried listing to my music, it was impossible to drown it out. I got up to stumble outside and maybe by the time I had peed they would have finished construction, they had not. On my excursion through the rest of the house I also noticed that they were no where to be heard but my room. Hmmmmm, fishy I say! It went on and on. I wanted to get mad but had to remind myself they were rats, and it was their house and I had said I liked them. My bad. I now know how people who live in apartment stacked on top of one another with noisy neighbors feel, Banging on the ceiling with brooms or what ever they can find. I actually resorted to that with a stick I had in my room. It worked for all of two minutes, and then was totally ineffective, I still stood up on my bed every so often to bang on the ceiling. This went on for hours, and I eventually fell asleep to it. But as I lay there, wanting to club a rat with my stick, not bang on the ceiling all I could think of was they must be building some magnificent contraption. Maybe like the "if you build it they will come" Maybe because I said I liked them it would be along the lines of that movie where the man has all the rats that follow him. I know how much bubba would like that knowing how much he loves rats. Or maybe it is some grand city. I just imagined the ostentatious, splendid, crazy things they could be building, all the wild indifferent to our foolishness, or maybe laughing at how they have us tricked. Maybe it was a time machine. If so I sure hope they let me use it. Though it may be a tad small. I might have come up with a logical answer for what they were doing, but quite frankly there was none. I have never heard such. At 8 o’clock when I woke up they were still at it in the exact same place. Once the house really woke up they stopped. I image they were pretty tiered. Working on grand schemes all night is a tiring business I imagine.
A couple of weeks ago Ryan told me he had a rat in the attic above his head. It scurried around, making little pitter patter sounds and he did not like it because it was creepy and sounded like someone else was in the room. I told him to be nice, it was probably very nice and this had been its house before his. They heard me! The other night I heard little pitter patter over my room. I sort of like the way it sounds. I fell asleep and that’s all I knew of it. Last night I knew a little more. I woke up around 2. I wake up every night all night now. Either is it is the malaria pills or my psyci is just off the chain because I have been having some freaky dreams. Last night I woke with my dreams slightly incorporating this weird background noise. The were scurrying, or it, all over my ceiling, really fast, zigzagging. Not a soothing pitter patter of little feet but really not so bad, and then…. It all accumulated into a construction site directly above my head. I mean this as literally as you possibly can when you are talking about rats in the roof. My bed is put into a corner, with my head in that same corner. DIRECTLY, over were my head was they they/it started hammering, moving, rolling, sawing, banging, and my no means quietly. It was a little after two in the morning, I tried to ignore it, thinking they had to stop soon. An hour, I just could not fall asleep with it. I tried listing to my music, it was impossible to drown it out. I got up to stumble outside and maybe by the time I had peed they would have finished construction, they had not. On my excursion through the rest of the house I also noticed that they were no where to be heard but my room. Hmmmmm, fishy I say! It went on and on. I wanted to get mad but had to remind myself they were rats, and it was their house and I had said I liked them. My bad. I now know how people who live in apartment stacked on top of one another with noisy neighbors feel, Banging on the ceiling with brooms or what ever they can find. I actually resorted to that with a stick I had in my room. It worked for all of two minutes, and then was totally ineffective, I still stood up on my bed every so often to bang on the ceiling. This went on for hours, and I eventually fell asleep to it. But as I lay there, wanting to club a rat with my stick, not bang on the ceiling all I could think of was they must be building some magnificent contraption. Maybe like the "if you build it they will come" Maybe because I said I liked them it would be along the lines of that movie where the man has all the rats that follow him. I know how much bubba would like that knowing how much he loves rats. Or maybe it is some grand city. I just imagined the ostentatious, splendid, crazy things they could be building, all the wild indifferent to our foolishness, or maybe laughing at how they have us tricked. Maybe it was a time machine. If so I sure hope they let me use it. Though it may be a tad small. I might have come up with a logical answer for what they were doing, but quite frankly there was none. I have never heard such. At 8 o’clock when I woke up they were still at it in the exact same place. Once the house really woke up they stopped. I image they were pretty tiered. Working on grand schemes all night is a tiring business I imagine.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
The Anti Whine
After it has been pointed out in one way or another I see that mast of my posts seem to have bitter undertone to them. I am sorry, it just turns out that I use my blog forum to vent – and I think it is important for people to understand the problems. So no doubt, I will be writing lots of depressing stuff. But don’t mistake the downbeat posts I my write for the experience that I’m having. They are not the same. I am enjoying myself immensely, and there is so much that I love, and I should really sing on that stuff too. The only two things I don’t like are the men and the government, yes seemingly big but not really. Just because they are allowed a lot of influence does not make them big in my daily comings and goings, noticed and felt but not all that important.
Many people fight the down time, about 6 steady months, pushing their way in and being unhappy about it. I love it. Why would I fight something that I was told would be there, would happen, I wont. And why would I fight to do remedial work, work that wont be lasting, I wont. Plus I joined the peace corps, specifically avoiding a 9-5. Yea, the peace corps is a 24/7 job. The good new is when I stop and talk to guy in the post office for 30 minutes, when I go guesting at someone’s house, eating and drinking to my hearts delight, that is work. Where else can that be said? I love Azeri’s giving nature, What is theirs is yours and I hope I take a lot of that home with me. I love their close nit families. I love even more that my families respect my reclusive nature. I love that I have been blessed with two consecutively AMAZING families, who have done everything to make me feel at home and part of the family. Here in Barda I am introduced to everyone as their eldest daughter or dig sister, depending. In Cerenbaton I was told they were my family now so anything I needed or wanted they were there for me. Maybe it is like that all over the world but I have not been their so all I can say is any culture that will so warmly except a stranger in to their home, one who is so drastically different in so many way, is OK with me.
My project Coordinator, Elmir, an Azeri man who I love dearly, was just in town for his first visit to make sure I was settling in fine. He came to the office and we were talking – As I think I have written, to date I have done nothing in my office but sit and stare. The positives being I am always up to date on reading and letter writing. My counterpart seeming none to interested in me and even a little hostile. And in all truth has made me more and more uncomfortable. But I cold see why so I have just kept coming, smiling, leaving, finding other stuff to do and not worrying about it. My though is never take anything for what it seems. I took enough courses in college to know that when you mix two culture just about everything is lost in translation, especially when very little is being said. Elmir asked if I wanted him to talk to him. NO! How do you piss off an already defensive Azeri man? Have an less than overly manly Azeri man, who assists your unwanted PC volunteer "talk" to you. So instead he just asked how I was and bla, bla, bla, general – Afterward me and Elmir talked again. Though some of it was his same ol’ b.s., to avoid doing work with me, etc., one important item was brought to light. Turns out, and I keep hearing this from Azeris, he thinks I am very formal and serious, especially with him. Dam, I never saw myself like this, and I am not but I just don’t talk a lot and to be honest he had started to make me so uncomfortable I probably was very stiff. Actually, I am very relaxed and have nice conversation with most of the fellow shop owners who come around to hang out. The have a skill called sympathetic listening, I am afraid he lacks it. The good news was, after this was relayed to me, and he knew it, his attitude toward me took a 360 making it much more comfortable to be easygoing with him. Though I cant lie, I have to try because his is just one of those high stung argumentative people who I feel less than at ease talking to. But I am going to put out a hella good effort. Am I doing anymore work than before, of course not. But now instead of a huff when I come in and say hello, I get a smile and greeting. Lost in translation, that’s why they say everything needs to be translated at least three times.
Though it is getting cold, when it is not freezing the weather is glorious, and the number of birds, of every shape, size and color, are amazing. They make me think of Vee, the late Vee of course as I have never known my vee to have any extreme love for birds, though she know doubt would find them beautiful as well. We now have two large and four baby turkeys that roam around our yard. I love them, how they talk, and fall asleep all over the place. Somehow managing to be both silly and majestic. I found a fountain with GOLDFISH in it! The first I have seen. They make me very happy and remind me of home. There is the most magnificent mountain that looms in the horizon on my way to work. It is huge, snow covered and seems so solitary, though I feel very sure there are many more behind it. You can see it perfectly from the foot bridge crossing the river right before I get to work, on days when it is clear that is. It is actually amazing, If you happened to walk by on certain days you would have know idea it was there because it can be completely invisible one day, just sky, and the next just stunning!
There is a teenage boy who works at a small shop/tea house on the road to and from my house. I’ve started saying hey to him as I pass, just a salam, sabaniz xeyir or nod of the head. He always nods back or says hello if I do. Never a "Helloooo, What is your name, marry me", he does not stalk me down the road or sucj his teeth. He is a nice boy and a pleasure to pass everyday. There is an oddly chapped building that I love, a bottom level with a diamond of sorts, larger, and perched on top of it. It has tall windows and in each is a large chess piece. It used to be the local chess club, it is lovely to look at. Azerbaijan is covered in roses, every shape, size, color and smell. They are in all the memorial parks, all the road medians, everywhere and many must be cold weather roses because they are still blooming, much to my delight. Often random men will coming and start trying to talk to me. Usually they are not sympathetic listeners or talkers, hence I cannot understand them usually. This will lead to them getting on the phone, calling someone and then telling me to talk to them. It is usually a woman who speaks at least some English. They have heard about me and want to meet me, they have sent they husbands, or suns, or father in laws or whoever to get me in touch with them. A woman who I could barley talk to on the phone, but was very nice, is coming to my work Tuesday. At least that is what I think is going to happen, then again someone could just as likely shop up to take me some where, and I would go with them with out a second thought, knowing it would be fine, another thing I love about this place, it is so easy to trust.
So no matter how often I use this as a forum to voice all of my frustrations about the country and its people, I am in no way unhappy or suffering, merely frustrated. Luckily for me I can vent issues I think other people should know about, your average 9-5er in America is probably 1000 times more unhappy and aggravated, unfortunately for them everyone already knows why they are unhappy. For all the trying things I have to deal with I get graced with 100 wonderful blessings. Ahhhhhhh, life is good.
Many people fight the down time, about 6 steady months, pushing their way in and being unhappy about it. I love it. Why would I fight something that I was told would be there, would happen, I wont. And why would I fight to do remedial work, work that wont be lasting, I wont. Plus I joined the peace corps, specifically avoiding a 9-5. Yea, the peace corps is a 24/7 job. The good new is when I stop and talk to guy in the post office for 30 minutes, when I go guesting at someone’s house, eating and drinking to my hearts delight, that is work. Where else can that be said? I love Azeri’s giving nature, What is theirs is yours and I hope I take a lot of that home with me. I love their close nit families. I love even more that my families respect my reclusive nature. I love that I have been blessed with two consecutively AMAZING families, who have done everything to make me feel at home and part of the family. Here in Barda I am introduced to everyone as their eldest daughter or dig sister, depending. In Cerenbaton I was told they were my family now so anything I needed or wanted they were there for me. Maybe it is like that all over the world but I have not been their so all I can say is any culture that will so warmly except a stranger in to their home, one who is so drastically different in so many way, is OK with me.
My project Coordinator, Elmir, an Azeri man who I love dearly, was just in town for his first visit to make sure I was settling in fine. He came to the office and we were talking – As I think I have written, to date I have done nothing in my office but sit and stare. The positives being I am always up to date on reading and letter writing. My counterpart seeming none to interested in me and even a little hostile. And in all truth has made me more and more uncomfortable. But I cold see why so I have just kept coming, smiling, leaving, finding other stuff to do and not worrying about it. My though is never take anything for what it seems. I took enough courses in college to know that when you mix two culture just about everything is lost in translation, especially when very little is being said. Elmir asked if I wanted him to talk to him. NO! How do you piss off an already defensive Azeri man? Have an less than overly manly Azeri man, who assists your unwanted PC volunteer "talk" to you. So instead he just asked how I was and bla, bla, bla, general – Afterward me and Elmir talked again. Though some of it was his same ol’ b.s., to avoid doing work with me, etc., one important item was brought to light. Turns out, and I keep hearing this from Azeris, he thinks I am very formal and serious, especially with him. Dam, I never saw myself like this, and I am not but I just don’t talk a lot and to be honest he had started to make me so uncomfortable I probably was very stiff. Actually, I am very relaxed and have nice conversation with most of the fellow shop owners who come around to hang out. The have a skill called sympathetic listening, I am afraid he lacks it. The good news was, after this was relayed to me, and he knew it, his attitude toward me took a 360 making it much more comfortable to be easygoing with him. Though I cant lie, I have to try because his is just one of those high stung argumentative people who I feel less than at ease talking to. But I am going to put out a hella good effort. Am I doing anymore work than before, of course not. But now instead of a huff when I come in and say hello, I get a smile and greeting. Lost in translation, that’s why they say everything needs to be translated at least three times.
Though it is getting cold, when it is not freezing the weather is glorious, and the number of birds, of every shape, size and color, are amazing. They make me think of Vee, the late Vee of course as I have never known my vee to have any extreme love for birds, though she know doubt would find them beautiful as well. We now have two large and four baby turkeys that roam around our yard. I love them, how they talk, and fall asleep all over the place. Somehow managing to be both silly and majestic. I found a fountain with GOLDFISH in it! The first I have seen. They make me very happy and remind me of home. There is the most magnificent mountain that looms in the horizon on my way to work. It is huge, snow covered and seems so solitary, though I feel very sure there are many more behind it. You can see it perfectly from the foot bridge crossing the river right before I get to work, on days when it is clear that is. It is actually amazing, If you happened to walk by on certain days you would have know idea it was there because it can be completely invisible one day, just sky, and the next just stunning!
There is a teenage boy who works at a small shop/tea house on the road to and from my house. I’ve started saying hey to him as I pass, just a salam, sabaniz xeyir or nod of the head. He always nods back or says hello if I do. Never a "Helloooo, What is your name, marry me", he does not stalk me down the road or sucj his teeth. He is a nice boy and a pleasure to pass everyday. There is an oddly chapped building that I love, a bottom level with a diamond of sorts, larger, and perched on top of it. It has tall windows and in each is a large chess piece. It used to be the local chess club, it is lovely to look at. Azerbaijan is covered in roses, every shape, size, color and smell. They are in all the memorial parks, all the road medians, everywhere and many must be cold weather roses because they are still blooming, much to my delight. Often random men will coming and start trying to talk to me. Usually they are not sympathetic listeners or talkers, hence I cannot understand them usually. This will lead to them getting on the phone, calling someone and then telling me to talk to them. It is usually a woman who speaks at least some English. They have heard about me and want to meet me, they have sent they husbands, or suns, or father in laws or whoever to get me in touch with them. A woman who I could barley talk to on the phone, but was very nice, is coming to my work Tuesday. At least that is what I think is going to happen, then again someone could just as likely shop up to take me some where, and I would go with them with out a second thought, knowing it would be fine, another thing I love about this place, it is so easy to trust.
So no matter how often I use this as a forum to voice all of my frustrations about the country and its people, I am in no way unhappy or suffering, merely frustrated. Luckily for me I can vent issues I think other people should know about, your average 9-5er in America is probably 1000 times more unhappy and aggravated, unfortunately for them everyone already knows why they are unhappy. For all the trying things I have to deal with I get graced with 100 wonderful blessings. Ahhhhhhh, life is good.
Monday, October 22, 2007
The Sound of Love
Well maybe not love but it sure envolves a lot of yelling. Two things recently have made me think more and more about “love” in Azerbaijan, or the lack of – First is the amount of attention that I now get, which is one of the reasons the transition to my new site has seemed more difficult than the initial transition to Azerbaijan. The second being that I just talked to a friend from home who just got happily married this past month. – CONGRADULATIONS AMY AND TRAVIS!!!!!! My first home, and still favorite was Cərənbəton. It was very small so everyone knew me and very close to Sumgayit and relatively close to Bakı. Bakı is a big city so it is just different, more liberal, and that spills over to surrounding areas. Now I am in the regions and a much bigger city than I was at first. Plus unemployment is horrible so there is never any lack of restless young men lounging around doing nothing and of course a complete lack of young women because they are all locked away in the house. Well of course except for me. I am out and must just exude foreigners. Which is fine except the boys are already girl crazy and have the idea that all foreign women are “available” – a kick back form the Russians. Thanks Russia!!
It’s the normal stares, comments and teeth sucking, yes I said teeth sucking – Americans whistle, Mexicans click and Azeris suck their teeth – It is just aggravating because am very limited in what I can do – Actually close to nothing. Saying ANYTHING – no matter how negative encourages them, and making a scene will just be interpreted as me being a crazy woman, not him being a stalker. It is just cultural, but very annoying. I was talking with my tutor, familia, husband about it and he was trying to explain it was not that they were bad or not respectful but was because boys and girls did not have any contact and the were just a little wild. And they do not, they do not walk together, talk together, my host family even refused to let me have male friends at the house because they have daughters. I agreed with his reasons but disagreed that they were not disrespectful. They are, Very, cultural or not it is disrespectful, to yell, chase down the street, stand two inches from a person and blow kisses or just stare, taunt, grab, follow in your car, or stalk. One volunteer actually had a stalker for a year.
They problem is once they get married things do not seem so much better. Arranged marriages do still happen, though to a lesser degree than in the past, but I have met thirteen-year-old girls with babies. There are also kidnappings. If a boy wants to marry a girl and for whatever reason cannot all he has to do is kidnap her and keep her for a night. Then she is forced to marry him because there is the possibility that she has been “tainted” and if she does not marry him she will NEVER be able to get married. These are horrible when they are real but I rather like the idea when they are staged. Couples that really want to get married but cant will often stage this so their families will have to let them wed. Couples just don’t seem very happy, especially older couples. Yes divorce is low, but people seem so miserable. They stay together though drunkenness, abuse, infidelity. And yes most men cheat. Prostates are pretty much accepted by women as something men do. They want their wives pure and good and leave everything else to the prostitutes. There are many reason they don’t get divorced, for one it is not a normal cultural practice, but also, if a woman gets divorced the chances of her ever being able to remarry are slim to none. In addition, she often has no way to support herself and if her family refused to take her back, which is often the case, she has no other choice but to stay in an unhappy situation. Actually the number 1 reason for divorce is because the wife does not get pregnant within the first year – the husband is legally entitled to a divorce because it could not possibly be his fault.
They thing is that I hate to be so negative about men here. It does not feel healthy but I am not sure how else to view it all. They good thing is that every time I feel like I am going to snap at the next man I pass I see something to give me hope – I do see change, change is just slow. My parents in Cərənbəton seemed genuinely happy. They joked and played and I loved to see them, I here more young girls everyday say they don’t want marriage and kids but a profession and independence and I am given hope. Especially when they are so aware that education is their stepping stone out. And then just little things, the other day I was on my way to work and passed a young couple. They were walking across the bridge arm in arm, smiling and laughing not less. It was so uplifting to see I stopped just to watch them go. It is funny, I never though I would be so taken by such simple things but I am and only hope that I will find more and more. So, the next time I walk down the street and am followed by a chorus of “hello, what is your name” followed directly by “ I love you” I’ll think of the couple of the bridge and my sister with plans of being a world traveling business woman, and have a little hope. And when all else fails I’ll take comfort in the fact that no matter their motives, at least they are screaming “I Love You” and not “I Hate You”.
It’s the normal stares, comments and teeth sucking, yes I said teeth sucking – Americans whistle, Mexicans click and Azeris suck their teeth – It is just aggravating because am very limited in what I can do – Actually close to nothing. Saying ANYTHING – no matter how negative encourages them, and making a scene will just be interpreted as me being a crazy woman, not him being a stalker. It is just cultural, but very annoying. I was talking with my tutor, familia, husband about it and he was trying to explain it was not that they were bad or not respectful but was because boys and girls did not have any contact and the were just a little wild. And they do not, they do not walk together, talk together, my host family even refused to let me have male friends at the house because they have daughters. I agreed with his reasons but disagreed that they were not disrespectful. They are, Very, cultural or not it is disrespectful, to yell, chase down the street, stand two inches from a person and blow kisses or just stare, taunt, grab, follow in your car, or stalk. One volunteer actually had a stalker for a year.
They problem is once they get married things do not seem so much better. Arranged marriages do still happen, though to a lesser degree than in the past, but I have met thirteen-year-old girls with babies. There are also kidnappings. If a boy wants to marry a girl and for whatever reason cannot all he has to do is kidnap her and keep her for a night. Then she is forced to marry him because there is the possibility that she has been “tainted” and if she does not marry him she will NEVER be able to get married. These are horrible when they are real but I rather like the idea when they are staged. Couples that really want to get married but cant will often stage this so their families will have to let them wed. Couples just don’t seem very happy, especially older couples. Yes divorce is low, but people seem so miserable. They stay together though drunkenness, abuse, infidelity. And yes most men cheat. Prostates are pretty much accepted by women as something men do. They want their wives pure and good and leave everything else to the prostitutes. There are many reason they don’t get divorced, for one it is not a normal cultural practice, but also, if a woman gets divorced the chances of her ever being able to remarry are slim to none. In addition, she often has no way to support herself and if her family refused to take her back, which is often the case, she has no other choice but to stay in an unhappy situation. Actually the number 1 reason for divorce is because the wife does not get pregnant within the first year – the husband is legally entitled to a divorce because it could not possibly be his fault.
They thing is that I hate to be so negative about men here. It does not feel healthy but I am not sure how else to view it all. They good thing is that every time I feel like I am going to snap at the next man I pass I see something to give me hope – I do see change, change is just slow. My parents in Cərənbəton seemed genuinely happy. They joked and played and I loved to see them, I here more young girls everyday say they don’t want marriage and kids but a profession and independence and I am given hope. Especially when they are so aware that education is their stepping stone out. And then just little things, the other day I was on my way to work and passed a young couple. They were walking across the bridge arm in arm, smiling and laughing not less. It was so uplifting to see I stopped just to watch them go. It is funny, I never though I would be so taken by such simple things but I am and only hope that I will find more and more. So, the next time I walk down the street and am followed by a chorus of “hello, what is your name” followed directly by “ I love you” I’ll think of the couple of the bridge and my sister with plans of being a world traveling business woman, and have a little hope. And when all else fails I’ll take comfort in the fact that no matter their motives, at least they are screaming “I Love You” and not “I Hate You”.
The sitting monkey act
I’m at my new site and have started at my organization. I guess I have really been here almost a month now. We are all placed with organizations but are expected to only help there and then work on an equal number of independent projects. My organization is an agro marketing center. There is only one man who works here, and one girl who volunteers as a secretary of sorts, I imagine to gain skills and just have something to do because life in the village is pretty uneventful. – My org. basically works to supply information to both farmers and build relationships between them and supplies because there is no trust. My organization is under ACTIVTA’s “control” at least for a couple more years, and still further under the OXFAM umbrella, which is working with agriculture in the region through my center, and an organization called ARAN and another called FinDEV – each with its own area of work. – Actually OXFAM puts a lot of money into a wide range of programs in Azerbaijan and all over the world. Basically, I was told I am here to work with women farmers. Women do something like 70% of the work in agriculture, but because they are women it is very hard for them to get loans(which they are actually more prone to paying back and using for the purposes they say), participate in trainings or even express their needs and problems to those who might be able to help. Most of this is simply due to the fact they cant socialize with “strange” men, and sense men typically work and women stay at home they cant go into the city and talk to a man about a loan, or go to a training given by a man, or even openly talk to a man about their issues.
So here I am, at a “drop center” in the regions, brought in by AKTIVTA to satisfy the people at OXFAM.- the funding- Which is what makes it twice as difficult and slow. Not only am I a young woman, but I am pretty sure my “counterpart” is not so happy about me. And in his defense, I can see why. They brought a foreigner in and said here, she is going to help work with marketing, international projects and women, if not explained right it is quite a slap in the face and I am beginning to think I was not really explained well at all. It seems like an insult or implication that he cannot do his job. I have no idea how well he does his job, all I know is I am basically here for the monkey dance, to help with communication, and to bring a different way of looking at things. Of course, even if I was explained with all the eloquence of the world there would probably still be confusion and distrust me. Most people just cant fathom why you would leave the US to come here an do work for no money, so they usually don’t believe you. They often think you are rich, lying about not getting paid or just a spy. In addition, they chunked me in at a time when they are trying to do an overhaul on this center. In a year they expect this office to be self-sustainable. That means they have to expand their activities and start finding ways to bring in income. That means dues, new projects, anything to get their own funding. Actually, most NGO’s seem to start in one are and then just branch out to all. I think they are just all scrambling to make money any way they can. The unfortunate thing is that working in an NGO here is nothing like you expect. That is because people are working in them not because they have this overwhelming urge to help but because they are the best paying jobs you can find in the regions. So they just don’t care as much and often sink into the same corruption that is killing the economy as a whole.
Right now my counterpart still views me as an outsider intruding on him. And it does not help that the head guy is pushing so much, and evidently did not explain me very well. The other day he was here and they were arguing back and forth – The head guy was translating every once in a while. Then they got to me. He said he was trying to explain what I was doing here, what my purpose was and what I could bring. It just seems like he should have been very clear on that before I gut here, but then that is just how Azeris work. Back to the idea of perceptions – when I first got here he wanted to know if I had a degree. International business I said, why did they not send someone with a agro degree he wanted to know – I did not have an answer. Then when he was talking with the head guy, the head guy was trying to explain how I could help with this and that, including marketing, just new ideas, outside observations – well I did not have a marketing degree he said. They funniest thing is if you give me enough money and a little time I’m sure I could buy myself a lovely marketing degree right her in good ol Azerbaijan, that’s how most people get theirs anyway. Just joking, I’m not sure how many do but I know that it is done frequently. You can buy your way into school, buy your grades, and sometimes even if your grades are good you may still have to pay for them. There is a reason why Azerbaijan is one of the top 10 most corrupt countries in the world. Number 3 I think – Any how, it is just going to take time for him to get used to me – The head office is pushing him to take me when he goes out and works so I have been told once the agro fair we are hosting this month is over and he is not so busy he will take me but we will see. AKTIVTA is just pushing, “start projects, you can do what ever you like, give us new ideas”, Whoa there sir, one step at a time. I have only been a month and my counterpart still thinks I’m a gorilla in a tutu(as peace corps so wonderfully explained it to us) One of the very good side is my only request during site placement was an organization that did not need me much so I could do a lot of community work. Looks like I got it.
So here I am, at a “drop center” in the regions, brought in by AKTIVTA to satisfy the people at OXFAM.- the funding- Which is what makes it twice as difficult and slow. Not only am I a young woman, but I am pretty sure my “counterpart” is not so happy about me. And in his defense, I can see why. They brought a foreigner in and said here, she is going to help work with marketing, international projects and women, if not explained right it is quite a slap in the face and I am beginning to think I was not really explained well at all. It seems like an insult or implication that he cannot do his job. I have no idea how well he does his job, all I know is I am basically here for the monkey dance, to help with communication, and to bring a different way of looking at things. Of course, even if I was explained with all the eloquence of the world there would probably still be confusion and distrust me. Most people just cant fathom why you would leave the US to come here an do work for no money, so they usually don’t believe you. They often think you are rich, lying about not getting paid or just a spy. In addition, they chunked me in at a time when they are trying to do an overhaul on this center. In a year they expect this office to be self-sustainable. That means they have to expand their activities and start finding ways to bring in income. That means dues, new projects, anything to get their own funding. Actually, most NGO’s seem to start in one are and then just branch out to all. I think they are just all scrambling to make money any way they can. The unfortunate thing is that working in an NGO here is nothing like you expect. That is because people are working in them not because they have this overwhelming urge to help but because they are the best paying jobs you can find in the regions. So they just don’t care as much and often sink into the same corruption that is killing the economy as a whole.
Right now my counterpart still views me as an outsider intruding on him. And it does not help that the head guy is pushing so much, and evidently did not explain me very well. The other day he was here and they were arguing back and forth – The head guy was translating every once in a while. Then they got to me. He said he was trying to explain what I was doing here, what my purpose was and what I could bring. It just seems like he should have been very clear on that before I gut here, but then that is just how Azeris work. Back to the idea of perceptions – when I first got here he wanted to know if I had a degree. International business I said, why did they not send someone with a agro degree he wanted to know – I did not have an answer. Then when he was talking with the head guy, the head guy was trying to explain how I could help with this and that, including marketing, just new ideas, outside observations – well I did not have a marketing degree he said. They funniest thing is if you give me enough money and a little time I’m sure I could buy myself a lovely marketing degree right her in good ol Azerbaijan, that’s how most people get theirs anyway. Just joking, I’m not sure how many do but I know that it is done frequently. You can buy your way into school, buy your grades, and sometimes even if your grades are good you may still have to pay for them. There is a reason why Azerbaijan is one of the top 10 most corrupt countries in the world. Number 3 I think – Any how, it is just going to take time for him to get used to me – The head office is pushing him to take me when he goes out and works so I have been told once the agro fair we are hosting this month is over and he is not so busy he will take me but we will see. AKTIVTA is just pushing, “start projects, you can do what ever you like, give us new ideas”, Whoa there sir, one step at a time. I have only been a month and my counterpart still thinks I’m a gorilla in a tutu(as peace corps so wonderfully explained it to us) One of the very good side is my only request during site placement was an organization that did not need me much so I could do a lot of community work. Looks like I got it.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Perceptions
So I’m washing cloths today – A Lot of Them – I’m not so consistent with it. I was given many warnings about cloths washing. Mainly that my host mom would stand over me like a hawk – because she would expect me to be completely inept and force me to scrub until my hands were raw. I cringed, then I got lucky. Turns out my mom was a little more progressive and had more of a live and let live attitude, as much as an Azeri can. She pretty much gave me a bucket and some hot water, soap and said have at it. – Actually, she gave me two kinds of soap – one in a powder form, the other in a bar. Evidently the bar is used to scrub out stains – I hade been using this soap to wash with for several weeks and had been wondering why their soap was so dam rough. At least I was extra clean – I am actually a crappy cloths washer, not because I couldn’t be a good one but because I just don’t care. I did not join the Peace Corps to be neat and tidy; I was thinking more of an all natural effect. So, sometimes I put them in a bucket and proceed to stomp on them – If I’m really lazy I will put them in su, leave them to soak, come back, poke them once or twice (literally), soak and then rinse them. Due to my shitty cloths washing my cloths are usually stiff with soap and probably not completely clean. Oh well, I will leave the appearances to the Azeris, because to an Azeri appearances are VERY important.
When I was told, you would see Azeries doing the funniest of jobs in the finest of cloths they were not lying. And the women, they love heals, stilettos, ones that wrap all the way up your leg, clear ones, sparkly studded ones. Imagine a 60 year old woman in a pair of 3 inch, spiked, stiletto heals. And it is not as if the road is flat or even, or as if the cars are not trying to run you over at all times so you have to sprint half the time. But alas, I will not leave it totally to them. At present I actually dress more conservatively than most Azeri women I see. This is because I have to counter act the fact that I am an American or risk serious harassment. See, Americans are viewed a being “available.” Innocent until proven guilty is not applied in this case. The good news is after about 6 months I can start wearing cloths a little less conservatively, such as tank tops, not spaghetti strap of course. I actually never though there would be a day when I would genuinely feel uncomfortable in a tank top. I wore one to Baku the one time I went, being a big city it is normal, however, on the way home, once I got back in the rural areas I just wanted to shrink and disappear so no one would notice.
Why are appearances so important, of course they are everywhere, but it is still strange. It is acceptable to wear a shirt that is virtually see threw all long as it covers the right parts. Can you see those parts anyway, of course, does it matter, no because for appearance sake they are covered. – Or if you are talking to them, no matter the language, no matter what you say, if you follow it by asking did they understand they will tell you yes, even if they are 110% utterly and totally baffled. I do it too sometimes, when I am tiered and just don’t want them to try to explain, it is just easier, But I am told by other Azeri people that they do it out of a sense of pride. They hate to admit they are wrong or don’t understand, so they will never ask for clarification and never say they are confused.- all for appearance. So just me walking down the street looking happy instead of scowling will draw mass amounts of attention because I appear happy, I am. If you ever attend an Azeri wedding ( a toy) you will notice that the bride looks VERY unhappy, always. Is she? I have no idea, but they can’t all be. She looks unhappy because for appearances sake it is unacceptable for her to look happy. This would imply that she is actually looking forward to having sex. And that is not acceptable. Talk about discipline and will power. How do you not smile once during your wedding, especially when random strangers are coming up behind where you are sitting to have there picture taken “with you”- I actually did that. So anyhow, I have learned to scowl, to have the worst go to hell look, it sound horrible but to not is disastrous – I still reek of foreignerness – the way I dress, walk, carry myself – they pick me out 300 yards off from the opposite side of the street through a crowd. It is definitely unnerving. The children and women I don’t mind but the men make me insane. The good news is every time I get aggravated by some thoughtless person I meet a really nice one. So I guess that means it all evens out in the end. I just have to make sure I don’t get caught up in appearances myself and take each person one at a time.
When I was told, you would see Azeries doing the funniest of jobs in the finest of cloths they were not lying. And the women, they love heals, stilettos, ones that wrap all the way up your leg, clear ones, sparkly studded ones. Imagine a 60 year old woman in a pair of 3 inch, spiked, stiletto heals. And it is not as if the road is flat or even, or as if the cars are not trying to run you over at all times so you have to sprint half the time. But alas, I will not leave it totally to them. At present I actually dress more conservatively than most Azeri women I see. This is because I have to counter act the fact that I am an American or risk serious harassment. See, Americans are viewed a being “available.” Innocent until proven guilty is not applied in this case. The good news is after about 6 months I can start wearing cloths a little less conservatively, such as tank tops, not spaghetti strap of course. I actually never though there would be a day when I would genuinely feel uncomfortable in a tank top. I wore one to Baku the one time I went, being a big city it is normal, however, on the way home, once I got back in the rural areas I just wanted to shrink and disappear so no one would notice.
Why are appearances so important, of course they are everywhere, but it is still strange. It is acceptable to wear a shirt that is virtually see threw all long as it covers the right parts. Can you see those parts anyway, of course, does it matter, no because for appearance sake they are covered. – Or if you are talking to them, no matter the language, no matter what you say, if you follow it by asking did they understand they will tell you yes, even if they are 110% utterly and totally baffled. I do it too sometimes, when I am tiered and just don’t want them to try to explain, it is just easier, But I am told by other Azeri people that they do it out of a sense of pride. They hate to admit they are wrong or don’t understand, so they will never ask for clarification and never say they are confused.- all for appearance. So just me walking down the street looking happy instead of scowling will draw mass amounts of attention because I appear happy, I am. If you ever attend an Azeri wedding ( a toy) you will notice that the bride looks VERY unhappy, always. Is she? I have no idea, but they can’t all be. She looks unhappy because for appearances sake it is unacceptable for her to look happy. This would imply that she is actually looking forward to having sex. And that is not acceptable. Talk about discipline and will power. How do you not smile once during your wedding, especially when random strangers are coming up behind where you are sitting to have there picture taken “with you”- I actually did that. So anyhow, I have learned to scowl, to have the worst go to hell look, it sound horrible but to not is disastrous – I still reek of foreignerness – the way I dress, walk, carry myself – they pick me out 300 yards off from the opposite side of the street through a crowd. It is definitely unnerving. The children and women I don’t mind but the men make me insane. The good news is every time I get aggravated by some thoughtless person I meet a really nice one. So I guess that means it all evens out in the end. I just have to make sure I don’t get caught up in appearances myself and take each person one at a time.
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