Perceptions

So I’m washing cloths today – A Lot of Them – I’m not so consistent with it. I was given many warnings about cloths washing. Mainly that my host mom would stand over me like a hawk – because she would expect me to be completely inept and force me to scrub until my hands were raw. I cringed, then I got lucky. Turns out my mom was a little more progressive and had more of a live and let live attitude, as much as an Azeri can. She pretty much gave me a bucket and some hot water, soap and said have at it. – Actually, she gave me two kinds of soap – one in a powder form, the other in a bar. Evidently the bar is used to scrub out stains – I hade been using this soap to wash with for several weeks and had been wondering why their soap was so dam rough. At least I was extra clean – I am actually a crappy cloths washer, not because I couldn’t be a good one but because I just don’t care. I did not join the Peace Corps to be neat and tidy; I was thinking more of an all natural effect. So, sometimes I put them in a bucket and proceed to stomp on them – If I’m really lazy I will put them in su, leave them to soak, come back, poke them once or twice (literally), soak and then rinse them. Due to my shitty cloths washing my cloths are usually stiff with soap and probably not completely clean. Oh well, I will leave the appearances to the Azeris, because to an Azeri appearances are VERY important.
When I was told, you would see Azeries doing the funniest of jobs in the finest of cloths they were not lying. And the women, they love heals, stilettos, ones that wrap all the way up your leg, clear ones, sparkly studded ones. Imagine a 60 year old woman in a pair of 3 inch, spiked, stiletto heals. And it is not as if the road is flat or even, or as if the cars are not trying to run you over at all times so you have to sprint half the time. But alas, I will not leave it totally to them. At present I actually dress more conservatively than most Azeri women I see. This is because I have to counter act the fact that I am an American or risk serious harassment. See, Americans are viewed a being “available.” Innocent until proven guilty is not applied in this case. The good news is after about 6 months I can start wearing cloths a little less conservatively, such as tank tops, not spaghetti strap of course. I actually never though there would be a day when I would genuinely feel uncomfortable in a tank top. I wore one to Baku the one time I went, being a big city it is normal, however, on the way home, once I got back in the rural areas I just wanted to shrink and disappear so no one would notice.
Why are appearances so important, of course they are everywhere, but it is still strange. It is acceptable to wear a shirt that is virtually see threw all long as it covers the right parts. Can you see those parts anyway, of course, does it matter, no because for appearance sake they are covered. – Or if you are talking to them, no matter the language, no matter what you say, if you follow it by asking did they understand they will tell you yes, even if they are 110% utterly and totally baffled. I do it too sometimes, when I am tiered and just don’t want them to try to explain, it is just easier, But I am told by other Azeri people that they do it out of a sense of pride. They hate to admit they are wrong or don’t understand, so they will never ask for clarification and never say they are confused.- all for appearance. So just me walking down the street looking happy instead of scowling will draw mass amounts of attention because I appear happy, I am. If you ever attend an Azeri wedding ( a toy) you will notice that the bride looks VERY unhappy, always. Is she? I have no idea, but they can’t all be. She looks unhappy because for appearances sake it is unacceptable for her to look happy. This would imply that she is actually looking forward to having sex. And that is not acceptable. Talk about discipline and will power. How do you not smile once during your wedding, especially when random strangers are coming up behind where you are sitting to have there picture taken “with you”- I actually did that. So anyhow, I have learned to scowl, to have the worst go to hell look, it sound horrible but to not is disastrous – I still reek of foreignerness – the way I dress, walk, carry myself – they pick me out 300 yards off from the opposite side of the street through a crowd. It is definitely unnerving. The children and women I don’t mind but the men make me insane. The good news is every time I get aggravated by some thoughtless person I meet a really nice one. So I guess that means it all evens out in the end. I just have to make sure I don’t get caught up in appearances myself and take each person one at a time.

Night Trains are Glorious

THE NIGHT TRAIN
I took a train back from my permanent site visit back to site. The trains here only run at night for the most part. This is because they use the tracks for hauling cargo “oil” during the day. We left at 10pm. Now usually trains are associated with speed. This was not the case. Some are very old, mine, and slow. It took us 8 hours to do what took us 5 ½ in a big buss going over very poor roads, but it was wonderful. The train hums, thuds, clacks, creeks and scrapes as it rocks and sways is way down the track. It may not sound incredible but for me it was soothing. I was in a sleep cabin on the top bunk. The window, which my head was level with, was broken, or maybe missing, so the cool night air circulated constantly. Even though it was night you should see some sites, cars and cities in the distance, groups of boys waiting by the track just to yell, IDP’s living in old train cars. Maybe I’m just a night person but everything about it was relaxing, and when I was tiered of watching out the window I just let the train lull me to sleep. And when I woke up in the night I never had to worry because she was always there to put me right back to sleep.

Traditional Dancing

I saw some beautiful Azeri art work - this is just a little of it -enjoy

a running list

So I thought I would start an ongoing list of likes and dislikes ... here we go

THINGS I LOVE
-Azeri humor – say in Barda
-Call to prayer
-That they are soooooo generous
-Take you right into their family and make you a part of it
-Always willing to help
-Martshukas
-Watermelons are dirt cheap and delicious all summer
- all fruits and vegetable are wonderful and FRESH
-They do A LOT for you
-their sense of time - SLOW
-that moo moos are an acceptable form of dress
- the art work
- actually learned to love hot cay

THINGS I DON’T LOVE
-Their fear of all that is cold, especially ice
-The trash
-Being stuck of a sweaty martshuka while the fat lady beside you tries to sleep of you for -5 hours
-There are no fresh fruits and vegetables in winter
- not being allowed to do certain things because I am a girl
-not being allowed to do certain things because I am guest – for months
-their sense of time when I’m in a hurry, ha ha!
- the bathroms- or lack there of- or there might as well not not be because the are disqusting

few pics

me with ryans host dad - i love grapes
below - this is a woman's (qadin) salon - the VIAGRA womans salon - thats my kind of salon!!

<- business woman by day - house builder later that day - and they are thrifty - this is made od mud bricks, card board, and random wood. below

- me and tarzan - the first "pet" dot i'v seen. they are still pretty rough on her so I play with here a lot - they seem to be catching on.

<- me and my watermelon children - I eat a lot of waternmelon so my family started calling me their water melon daughter - they then said I ate my husband but that these were my children - I said I would eat them too.

<- a mosque, one of many, but this one let us, women, in as long as we covered our heads

<- can you find Mario

Welcome to the Girl Scouts

So here I am, and it is not what I thought – I think something led me blindly here, or maybe I’m just a fool, because if I had taken a good look at it before I would not have come. Sure it is not the place that I had thought or the conditions, ok that’s fine, but I skipped right over the government part, the bureaucracy, how could I. It’s here. But I am only in training and I have been told that actually service is quite different from training. I just sometimes feel like my own enemy. Well I can justify myself to myself, I’m not sure I can justify the people. Once again I had this image in my head. I though I would end up in this magical land of like people. Ha Ha Ha! I walked into training the first day and thought, OK, it is the first day, time passed. I had to admit, the hippies are gone, peace and love has died. be not dead, but it aint 1961. They have been replaced with your everyday all American, clean cut, business oriented, go getting, young Americans. And many seem to be planning on using this time as an extended spring break, “Hey man, Let’s party! where’s the piva?” You can imagine my joy. And I have heard more bitching about heat, toilets and lack of adequate MONEY!! God dame, you joined the Peace Corps, not the fucking girl scouts. I question the screening process. I was told a crazy number of people applied and we were the select few, that getting placed in the caucuses is an honor, that often the “best” got placed here. I am not sure what that says about young Americans. Maybe it says more about the way the Peace Corps is viewed. I must have just been behind the times. I usually am. It seems most of the peace loving, tree hugger’s couldn’t stomach to leave the bowl behind, and what does that say for us, not much more. I prefer to think they are out there, the champions of true light, fighting for the little ones, be it bug or beast(man included in beast of course)They are just finding new ways, right? They could not have all given up yet.
And, for all my very un-love oriented bitching its not really that bad. I just want to vent in writing. People are here because they want to go good, I know it. Are they wrong, of course not, are they less right because they are not pursing it in the way I think it should be done. I want to say yes, but that is only because we all set our own counsels that we live by. We just have the unfortunate tendency to expect others to walk to our beat, well they cannot and will not. I just cant help wishing that they would all love a little more, were a little kinder, were, well I cant even really put it in words. As for the Bureaucracy, what bureaucracy? It only really existes if you let it. Naming it only helps validate it. So I don’t, easier said than done but I can always try.
And I have met them, those people who don’t fit the described norm. Those that just hit a note. A lot really, who don’t fall into my dismal description. It is not so depressing, It was just so surprising and continues to be. But, it is human nature to focus on the extreme. So maybe this is not, they are not what I thought but, but that’s life. They are here; hope they keep coming in one way or another. For all my pessimistic talk I am glad that I am here. I have a purpose and plan to do a lot, a lot of something. Yes, at times I question why I am even here. I have thought what if I just went home, What if? Nothing, I am not prone to giving up. And when it comes down to it I did not come here to play with Americans. I came to interact the world, with Azeris, and that is what I will do. I will cloister myself off if necessary, be that outlandish girl, after all, this is life.

Sorry it took so long

So, Salam,
Here I am – almost a month and it is hard to believe. It seems longer and shorter all at the same time. I have settled into my GREAT host family. A lot of people seem to have some issue or another but I have had none. My mom Shahla, my dad Rasim and two sisters, Vusala and Gunel (16 and 14 respectively) are wonderful. They are already crying about me having leave in two months and say I have to come back and they will come visit me. Both Rasim and Shahla have said that while I am here they are my parents for me. I have never felt so welcomed, thought yes it was very awkward when I first met them. They showed me into their house, a quick tour and then all stood there staring at me in my room. What do you say when you feel drained and have exhausted you language skills in all of 5 min. Not a whole lot and Charades felt a little awkward on the first day so I just pointed to the garden in desperation and got a full tour/taste test.
My room is actually the dining room. It has two windows that get a great breeze and an even greater number of mosquitoes when night comes. The bathroom is your standard hole in the ground – porcelain of course but a hole in the ground all the same – I really don’t mind it, except the fact there is no flushing so the smell is not always pleasant.
The people here in general are so kind and warm. Though many are baffled at why we are hear – it make not sense to leave the US and come here to not get paid. Some actually think we are getting paid but are lying for some reason. It is taking a lot for me to get used to the gender roles. There are definitely things that are “culturally inappropriate and unacceptable” for me to do, that would never have crossed my mind in the states. Even though I don’t agree with everything I have been doing very well to adjust. The hardest part is probably not looking or smiling at anyone unless I really know them, and virtually know socialization with men unless they are family and I know them well. And there are some places I am just not allowed to go. The communities have gotten used to us Americans somewhat and don’t pay much attention when I walk home with a guy friend, so that is nice
So far I have seen a little of the country, “adopted” a few animals and climbed to the top of a castle, which was amazing. I also have seen Iran, though only threw a big fence. And it was a swamp, who would have guessed. I have a picture of the kitten, which Rikki has but not one of qulaqlar yox (no ears), cat and my school dog. I will get one soon and put her up.
We are getting smashed with work right now so I hardly have time to breathe. They have moved the dates for picking CED’s sites up from last year so we have twice the work packed into a small amount of time. I pretty much have full schedule from 8-5 mon-sat (language, CED training and an internship) and then a tone of outside assignments and homework. They say it will slow down some in a few weeks but I am not sure I believe them. I am just banking on the virtual 6 months of down time/adjustment when I get to my site Well I have a lot of stuff I would like to tell all but not enough time so, till next time, which might be another month or so, take care

Mere